Another story about my soldier friend, Pat Damon

Not only did Hildi get to meet with George Bush, so did his mom. The story includes this paragraph:

“He’d been to Hilde first,” Day said, and when Pres. Bush entered, “He appeared to have red eyes,” and had been crying, Halley confirmed later. “I stood up and greeted him, and shook his hand.” Day told him she appreciated the inclusion of her and the other mothers who had lost a son or daughter. “He hugged me and said ‘I’m sorry for your loss’.” He sat down and laid his arms on the table and bent over, described Damon. Bush said, “Your daughter-in-law is very angry with me.”

I talked to Hildi for an hour on Tuesday night. It was incredible the things she said. For instance, she's showing him pictures of Pat, and George asks friendly questions, such as "Oh when was this taken", and she said:

I'm not here to share my vacation stories with you. I'm here to show you the man who was my soul mate, who died, for which I hold you personally responsible.

She had her children with her for the first part of the meeting. Her son, Christian, 12, asked if he could have George's autograph. When the president said yes, with relief, Christian gave him the memorial prayer card from his father's funeral, and that's what George signed.

Then Mikayla said, "Me too", and she handed him another card in memorial of Patrick Damon.

coffee

ugh. oh this day is not off to a good start. I stopped a the drive through donut shop for coffee. . .and a couple of donuts. They were gross, and they gave me hot chocolate instead.

Which was good, but now that the sugar rush has ended, I need a nap! But I have a meeting to get ready for! Oh and I was late, and I haven't done any work yet anyway. .

yeuch

must have coffee coffee coffee

This story is about my friend. I have great friends.

War Widow To Bush: "You're Here To Serve The People. And The People Are Not Being Served With This War."

By Greg Sargent | bio

I just got off the phone with Hildi Halley, a woman from Maine whose husband is a fallen soldier. Yesterday President Bush met with her privately, and news of their meeting was reported in a local Maine paper, the Kennebec Journal. The paper shared few details of the meeting, saying simply that Halley objected to Bush's policies and that she said Bush responded that there was no point in them having a "philosophical discussion about the pros and cons of the war."

But Halley has just given me a much more detailed account of her meeting with Bush. She told me that she went much farther in her criticism of the President, telling him directly that he was "responsible" for the deaths of American soldiers and that as a "Christian man," he should recognize that he's "made a mistake" and that it was his "responsibility to end this." She recounted to me that she was "very direct," telling Bush: "As President, you're here to serve the people. And the people are not being served with this war."

I reached Halley at her home in Falmouth, Maine. She told me that her husband, Patrick Damon, who's long been active in Democratic politics, had been in Afghanistan as an engineer building roads when he died in June. She said she was first told that it was of a heart attack, but that subsequently she was told there was no sign that a heart attack had killed him. An invesigation into his death is continuing.

Halley, who's also been politically active for Democrats, said she told GOP Senator Olympia Snowe that she'd like a phone call from Bush. Subsequently Halley got a call from White House staffers looking to set up a private meeting. Bush came yesterday.

Halley tells me that she told the President that she's been opposed since "day one" to both the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

"I talked to him about how important this person was to me," Halley recounted, speaking of her husband. "It's not just a soldier who died. Lives are changed forever...I said, `This doesn't make sense to me.'"

"He said, `Terrorists killed three thousand people, we had to go to war.'" Halley continued to me. "I said, `Well, who put the Taliban into power? The United States did.' He said, `I'm not going to have a philosphical debate over politics.' The whole conversation was very gentle."

Halley says that while Bush was personable and receptive to her, she was very direct and critical of Bush's policies and insisted that the right thing to do was to end the war.

"We literally sat knee to knee...I looked deep into his eyes and talked to him about love and losing people and that he was responsible for this. I said, `I didn't vote for you, but you are my President. And you're not serving me.'"

"I said I believed it was time to put an end to this. His job is to find solutions. I said, `You yourself have said you had erroneous information going into this.'"

She continued: "I said, `As a Christian man, you realize that when you've made a mistake it's your responsiblity to end this. And it's time to end the bleeding and it's time to end the war.'"

"I said, `what would truly bring healing is to start working on changing your policy towards the Middle East...as President, you're here to serve the people. And the people are not being served with this war.'"

She added: "I told him, `It's time as a Christian to put our pride behind us."

Halley said that the President appeared moved by what she'd said, but that she doubted it would bring about any real change. "He cried with me," she recounted. "I feel he responded to me emotionally. I don't know if that's going to change policy. It probably won't. But I hope it makes him think a little bit further."

Wishing you a great weekend

I'm so glad it's Friday! These summer weekends have been great! Even though we haven't been away, or to the beach. It's still been a lot of fun.

Last Sunday we went to Baltimore's Little Italy for the Italian Festival, and we stumbled upon the Bocce tournament Championship! We were ready to leave so I went down to the Bocce courts to round up Amy and Memae. It was very exciting, and I forgot all about leaving. Pretty soon, Rolf and Puck showed up looking for us, then John and Kelly, and we all ended up staying for about two hours, figuring out the game and cheering on the home team. And we ate more, and drank more, and laughed more. Ah.

Last night I cooked for my friend Jennifer. She and her husband have a new baby, so Rolf and I went over to give them some free time. Rolf trimmed their butterfly bush, which had overtaken the walkway. I made meatloaf, macaroni and cheese, sautéed Swiss chard, mixed tomato salad, and a pear tart with caramel sauce and vanilla ice cream. They seemed to like it a lot. They are very tired people right now! I'm going to do it again in a few weeks.

Bemmy's almost completely moved out. He's gone for FL for a singing gig. When he gets back, about the only thing he has to move is his bed. I think this is going to work out fine.

The folks are coming over for dinner and for the sunset concert tonight. I've got another meatloaf ready to go in the oven when I get home. Mom's had a great couple of weeks.

Other than singing a solo on Sunday morning, I don't have much planned for this weekend. Rolf's got a test to take on Monday, so he'll be busy studying. I don't know what I'm going to do. I just know that I can't be drinking on Saturday! I need to be in good voice on Sunday morning!

All the best to you - have a great weekend.

Vig

Japanese Sauna Pranks

I can't believe how funny this is!

Dear Dr. Ruth

Thanks to One Third Basketi

And I Think It's Going to Rain Today

Sean was in dress whites the first time I saw him. Dress whites and a sailors cap, lined up with the varsity choir outside of the high school auditorium. He was laughing and cutting up with his friend Sherri. When he saw me watching him, he was embarrassed. He smiled at me with a beautiful sparkle in his eyes.

I had just come off stage, wearing my green concert choir tuxedo jacket, black pants and tie, and relieved that we got that part of the show under our belt, but rushing to get into my next costume. Sean's group, all bursting with excitement, was waiting to peform their medley from South Pacific.

It was the May Fiesta of 1978.

_________

I remember our first date. Can you call it a date when there's a third wheel. Her name was Sherri Hamrick, or something.

They both lived on Fireside Court; I didn't know that when we got in his dad's truck. Sean and I drove over to pick Sherri up. . . seven houses away. Next, I remember that we were getting into the truck again, this time with Sherri.

She starts to get into the middle of the seat . . . Sean and I pause.

She looks at Sean through the open driver's door, whips back to look at me behind her and she says. . .

"Oh! Are you guys together?"

AND WE WERE! We were so happy to say we were together. All smiles, laughter, unabashed foolish joy.

High school was no longer hell. I had a boyfriend! He was muscular, elegant, beautiful. A dancer, who drove a big truck. He had a MG Midget convertible too.

Like raindrops slapping on rocks; memories of joys, the touch of his skin, my reflection in his eyes, and his smile, dance on my mind. How I wish I could remember completely the seasons we shared; each good, each different. Flirtatious joy of spring, steamy heat of summer, disruption of fall, rejection of winter. All natural, as leaves fall and drift away on a stream.

He left school half-way through the 11th grade, and became the boyfriend of woman who had been my friend. Deanna was a dance teacher and choreographer. She and I even operated a daycare together one summer. I wouldn't sleep with her, but she was fun. And she bought me stuff.

Sean moved in with her, about a year after we met. He got better stuff than I did, but then again, he put out, I didn't. She supported him while he got his G.E.D. We were still friends. . only now he was part of a group. Deanna and Sean, Helen, Trevor, me. . . peripherally there was Russ. There was a pool in the summer, a place to crash in the school year. I had a key, so I'd just let myself in on the way to school. . and go back to bed. Well, on the mornings I didn't go sleep with Peter or David.

They were my next boyfriend. Two of them. Twenty-something year old expatriates from London. . Or they were first. . . I think they were first, during, and after. I didn't even have a driver's license the first time I slept with them. Russ gave me their number at school and said I would like to meet them. He lied, saying they were friends of his. They weren't. He had flirted with them at McDonald's, and gotten their number. Then he got me to call them. Well, his loss. Since they weren't murderous pederasts, that is. At least, not muderous, because the sex was great.

But that's another part of the story.

Except, one time, David and I were laying naked, cuddling in their bed. . and I answered a forgotten question quoting Barbara Mandrell, I said

“‘Sleeping Single in a Double Bed' sucks."

David hadn't heard that song, and the turn of phrase sent him into such hysterical giggles, that Sean and Peter came in from the guest bedroom, to see what the commotion was. And we all piled in the bed, laughing, smiling, touching . . .

Of course that could have been Towmy. . Anyway, the stories all interconnect.

__________

I hadn't seen Sean in a long long time. I am still shocked at the memory of walking into The Rogue, a long lost drag bar, and seeing him sitting alone at a table, smoking a long filtered cigarette, wearing a purple pill box hat with a veil. He was beautiful. He had made his outfit; I guess it was just for fun. It really doesn't make sense that he was in light drag. I couldn't make sense of it. He shrugged it off.

He was shaking as he smoked. His hands shook. He said he had been sick; he was just getting over hepatitis. It was 1983.

I didn't ever see him again. I've entered his name in internet search engines for the last 15 years, his brother's name too. But there never was anything. I talked to his friend Sherri some 10 years ago, through a fluke of connections, but she had lost track of him. I did not ask Deanna though. I figured she'd won my boyfriend, I guess. I never would ask her. I never did ask her.

Even when I sent her a note on Monday:

Hi Deanna -

I'm supposed to be working. . . but I'm too distracted by warm fuzzies. (Didn't you used to talk like that?)

I went to my 25th high school reunion this weekend. It was great fun. I can't say that anyone you might have been interested in was there, really. It was a smallish group. But all in all, it was very good.

Can I buy you a drink some day? I'd just like to say "hi" and reminisce for a moment or two. What do you say? Maybe some day we can get our paths to cross for old times sake?

All the best,
Vig

She said she didn't remember who I was.

After writing that my name used to be Vig Shitzpeas, she said:

HI Vig,

Of course I remember you. You went to school with Russ and David and Sean at Woodbridge High School didn't you?How are you? I guess you heard that Russ and Sean passed away a long time ago. Sad to loose such talented singers and dancers.

_________

I didn't know, and I always knew. I hoped he'd made it. I hoped he survived the crisis. I had hoped I'd see my friend.

_________

Broken windows and empty hallways,
a pale dead moon in a sky streaked with grey.
Human kindness is overflowing,
and I think it's gonna rain today.

Bette Midler sang

as I cried.

Picking up the remote, I said:

"I've had enough of this shit."

And I went to bed.

It was not the night to be watching Beaches.

Let's Do the Time Warp

Time warp: Back to school for my 25th High School Reunion.

My high school reunion was this weekend, and I went. Rolf came too. I'm a little verklempt.

It was such fun. Rolf and I skittered over to the bar right away, and then stood off a bit, in a corner and looked at the people. My peers.

They're old.

I lived in the same place my whole life until I moved in with Rolf when I was 18. So, I was really looking forward to seeing those folks that I saw most every day for so many years. I saw quite a few. Leifer, Mark, David, Michelle, Laura. . . Most of them weren't my friends, but I still care about them, and it was just great to see their faces. Some of us hugged like we were old friends.

And I saw my old friend Kendall for the first time in 25 years. When Towmy's family moved from the house accross the street, his family moved in. And we were good friends from 7th grade until 10th grade. Then we moved on. It was such a shock to see him, I got all teary. He's a big straight boy, so I didn't hug him. He married an old friend Laura. I didn't know that, and they're coming to dinner sometime.

I still can't believe that Rolf went with me. Willingly, and cheerfully. I really like this season of love.

"This is my partner, Rolf. . . " over and over again all night, and not one person batted an eye.

_________

and elsewise, we also applied for our PASSPORTS on Saturday! We're really going to Italy for our 25TH ANNIVERSARY!

Rolf called

Call from Rolf:

Bemmy said, well, you know I'm moving, right? I just said 'mmmmm'. Can you believe it? Could he really think that you wrote that note. . . that you're the one kicking him out? I just said 'mmmm.' He said 'I know we haven't talked about it, because I was devastated. . .' and I said 'hmmm'. . . I'm moving to Maryland to live with [drug addicted crazy woman ex-nurse who got caught]. . .and I said 'mm-hmm.'

Let's break out the booze and have a ball

Figuring the coffee must be ready, I left off packing and ran to the kitchen. Mom and Joy were crowded in there, next to the coffee pot, both blowing on their coffee, and looking sheepish. With a laugh shared between them, they said:

"We had to make more coffee" Mom said with a half-smile
"We put salt in the first cup" Joy said, accusingly but with a glint of laughter.

"Now who puts salt in a bowl?!"
"And puts it next to the coffee maker?"

"Oops, sorry" I laughed. "I use chunky salt. . . it doesn't fit in a salt shaker. . . " and then laughed too.

________

"So, where is Rolf?" Mom asked.
"I really couldn't say."
"Probably at work, and he's going to be late, right?" guessed Joy.
"Probably. . . make yourselves at home. . . I'll be out in a few."

_________

"Rolf's on his way he said. He should be here in a bout twenty minutes."

It wouldn't have been a problem if they hadn't arrived 30 minutes early. I was lying anyway. . . he hadn't even left the office . . .

To keep them entertained, I pulled out their itinerary! The news that I had gotten the tickets - due to the wonderful tip to check out BroadwayBox.com - got shouts of glee from the church ladies. Delightedly, Mom said: "Oh, and we're going on a cruise!"

My sister: "Oh this is just great, it's like going on a church camping trip; and I don't have to worry about anything!"

__________

Joy's started dating a new man. He's a Methodist Preacher, named Bruce.

As I left, to go finish packing, and call Rolf. . . she says

"I finally told Bruce about you. . . and he's fine with it. . . isn't that great?!"

"I finally told Bruce about you. I finally told Bruce about you. IfinallytoldBruceaboutyou. . ." I muttered with contempt as I left the room.

They've been on one date.

________

"Now, the reason I was able to get half-price tickets for Sweeny Todd is because Patti LuPone is away this weekend. But Judy Kaye has been filling in for her this whole run to rave reviews, so it's still going to be great."

I told this to Mom and Joy at home before we left. And while they were there I repeated it to Rolf once he got home. The tickets were only $50, AND we were in the fifth row center of a full house. So I talked about Judy Kaye a lot. How she was a Tony Award winner. . . how she's been filling in for Ms. LuPone regularly to rave reviews. . . How she's the reason we were able to score such great tickets.

But when we got to the theatre, everyone else was just noticing that Patti LuPone's understudy was going on. And they were all saying. . . "Patti LuPone's not here. . " I mean it was all you could hear were exclamations that "Patti LuPone's not here".

I'm sure Mom had no idea why I thought she was just losing it, but when she looked at me with disappointment and said "Oh, Patti LuPone's not here" just like all the rest of the people, I really was shocked. My mom is super smart. She always has been. I had to wonder does the stress of the cancer have her so distracted that she's not making logical connections anymore?

Then, were settled into our fabulous seats looking through our programs -

Joy: "Oh, she won a Tony for Phantom of the Opera."

Me: "Oh, she must have played Fantine"

Rolf: "That's LesMiz."

Me, laughing: "Oh, that's almost as bad as the time I said I wanted to see Provence on our trip to Italy."

Mom: "But if you saw it in Italy you wouldn't understand the words."

Me: ??

_________

So, Mama, Joy, Rolf and I did have a very good time. The shows couldn't have been better. We laughed so much on the trip up, that I wish I'd had a tape recorder going so I could relive the moments again and again.

We took a carriage ride through Central Park, shopped at Tiffany's on Fifth Avenue, followed by lunch at McDonalds on Time's Square - it's because of the view from McDonald's second floor dining room, of Time's Square, that I have lunch there once on every trip to Manhattan. But you have to walk up two very high flights of stairs, and that seemed to be almost beyond Mom's strength.

Then we saw the matinee of Sweey Todd. Wow! It was so great. I've seen the show several times, but this production, with the cast doubling as the orchestra, adding their instruments right into the dramatic scenes, the one set, the totally new interpretations . . . Oh! God! That's! Good!

I had my arm around Mama when Toby sang "Nothing's Going to Harm You, not while I'm around." I just wish I could make that true.

________

The theatre was immediately next door to our hotel. It was so great to be laying down for a nap ten minutes after the show. We took a cab to dinner (at Da Rossina) even though it was just a few blocks away. I didn't want to tire Mom out.

Then we saw Dirty Rotten Soundrels. I never would have guessed that I would love this show! I'd heard that it had gotten better after John Lithgow left the cast. And, with the cast now including Keith Carridine, Lucie Arnez, plus Brian D'Arcy James. . . who . . well, I thought he was in the original cast and had won the Tony for Best Actor in a Musical. Well. . . He was so good, in the Steve Martin role, that I kept saying to Mom and Rolf: "See, that's why he won the Tony. . ." only it wasn't him.

I used the BroadwayBox.Com link, and got tickets for 35% off! I couldn't have done better at TKTS.

It seemed that about every time I looked at Mom and Joy, they were laughing.

"Oh, that was the best one . . . didn't you think that was the best one Mom. . . that was just the best. . . " my sister kept saying.

________

We turned in after the show. I'd thought of going to Don't Tell Mama's or Marie's Crisis so we could sing around the piano bar, but . . . I'm beginning to feel like the parent of my mother, and I thought she should go to bed.

In the morning, we took a cruise around the island which was just perfect. Even though there was a woman from Secaucaus that I wanted to slap hard upside the head because she was so fucking loud for the whole two hour trip; still, it was a beautiful day, we were on the water, sitting, we got to see the Statue of Liberty close up, and we had a nice relaxing tour of the city from the vantage point of the water.

_________

The last show of our trip was The Drowsy Chaperone. It's the first time I've ever seen a Broadway show with the Original Broadway Cast! oh no, that's not true Tommy was the first, oh and Titanic, oh and that Vampire piece of crap. OK! Whatever! I was so excited. And it was so good. What a remarkable show. A musical within a comedy, it's billed as.

_________

We hit the road really fast, and got out of town without any trouble. We sang the Shitzpeas* Family Trio numbers, those that we could remember, with Rolf improvising a bass line. Once we were trying to sing an old radio hymn, called "Holy Be", that has a running bass even though Rolf had never heard it before. Me and Mom and Rolf were trying to sing the line together, so he could learn it, while Joy sang the counterpoint. . . but we just got to laughing so hard that our voices started to hurt. . . so we took a break. And although we did sing some more, we never tried that one again.

Thanks and Best Wishes

Our trip to New York was as perfect as could be. I'll tell about it soon. In the mean-time, let me thank all of you who helped me get a plan together. It was so great to have a menu of options to pick from, rather than waste time looking for something to do.

All the best,
Vig

The Gay Boys and Church Ladies Do NYC

I've invited Mama for a quick jaunt to NYC. She's feeling better, after her sixth and final round of chemo, which didn't do all that much good. Instead she starts on a new drug therapy on Monday. So, before the doctors with their Dr. Frankenstein ways start torturing her again, we're going on holiday!

My fabulous other, Rolf, of very close to 25 yrs, and my sister, Joy, are coming too. Joy's never been to NYC, and Mom has never seen a Broadway show (except for the Radio City Music Hall Chirstmas Show.)

It's a quick trip, arriving there at 10 tonight, and returning on Sunday after the matinee.

Can I get some tips from you? I need maximum impact, with the least walking possible. I've got Sunday matinee tickets for The Drowsy Chaperone. We need TKTS for two shows on Saturday. So, I have to be at TKTS at 10am, and again after the matinee.

Where should we have dinner? What do you think we should we do after Saturday evening show? Piano trio? Don't Tell Mama's?

On Sunday Morning, is there a great bus tour? Or - is there a great place for Organ music? (Mom's a pro.)

Friday 10PM arrive Hilton Garden Inn Times Square

Saturday 9:15am - Breakfast
Then what?
Saturday 2PM - Sweeny Todd
Saturday ? - 5:30 nap
Saturday 6 - 7:30 dinner
Saturday 8-10:30 Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
Saturday 11-1 - cocktails at Don't Tell Mama's? Or Marie's Crisis?

Sunday 9:30 Breakfast / Brunch . . . Harlem Brunch Tour?? what is that?
Sunday 10:45 Double Bus tour?
Sunday - out of hotel by noon
Sunday - 3 -5 Drowsy Chapeone.
Sunday - 6 - 8 try to get out of NYC
Monday 2am, get home.

Help! I need a plan. Most important is that it not be exhausting. Mama will go and go like the proverbial energizer bunny. . . proverbial? but she is not well, and I want all this to be as relaxing as possible.

Thanks!
Vig

Hey-la-day-la, Bemmy's back.

Bemmy had a great time in Turkey. He met a young hot Turkish doctor on ICQ, and went to be his boyfriend for three weeks. Can you imagine? I think I can. I'm imagining some hot muscle daddy . . . ahhhh. Then it would have been me standing in those blue topaz waters . . .

I still can't believe we're kicking him out. We have never talked about it with him. Just left him that note and started hoping for the best.

It was great to see him. His stories are the best. But, what can I do? If he stays, I have to be the warden, and I don't want that.

ARGH!

Then again, the house flip is going to add a another mortgage payment to the things we can't afford. ARGH! Maybe we should hold off on this. Raise his rent. But, what about the part where he's killing himself? What about our strong disapproval of him not working? What about us, getting along so well, mostly, since we've been alone. We need to be alone.

Mom's sick.
Relationships are hard.
We're flipping a house.
With an unbalanced partner (Towmy)
We're going to Italy for our 25th anniversary
We don't have passports
Plans
or money
This damn job has been extended again.

I don't need any more stress!

But I do need money.

And sex. And there's more of that when there's nobody else in the house.

but that's another story.

Start Spreading the News

We're leaving Friday! Me and Rolf, Mom and Joy are going to Broadway for the weekend! I've already got tickets to The Drowsy Chaperone. I hope we can get half price tickets to Sweeny Todd, The Producers, or The Putnam County Spelling Bee.

I don't know where we're staying yet, or what our mode of travel will be.

But I called Mama on Sunday, and I said "Let's go to New York this weekend!"

She said "What???? This weekend?"

"Yeah. Let's go have some fun before they make you take those nasty pills!"

"Why. . . that sounds like a good idea. Let's do!"

Laughter through tears

I had a secret. I told Rolf last night on the way home from his folks house.

Back on December 22, one of Mom's friends emailed me (because she was too chicken to call Mom) to find out how she was doing. I was at work, with my door closed that day, because I was a basketcase of worry. The secret was that I wrote her, Mrs. HappyFace, telling her:

". . . the future is not as bright as I'd hoped. It may be the worst case scenario. I've been told I shouldn't think that, much less say it but I don't know what else to say. Instead of 3 tumors, now there are 6. Two are on her spine, 4 are in her liver. The ones on her spine are beginning to hurt."

Well, that was about the last anyone heard from Mrs. HappyFace. I had gone on pleading with her to go visit, but she didn't do it. Until this Sunday, she hadn't even tried.

Oh, I was terrified that Mama would find out I'd been spreading doom and gloom, I even wrote Mrs. HappyFace back, a little later on that same day, and said:

"I'm an idiot. . I'm sure I shouldn't have said anything more than just to be in touch please. But now that it's done, I ask that you keep the details out of conversation please. If people start calling her with "Oh You Poor Poor Dear" sentiments, I think she'll be apoplectic."

Anyway, I was telling Rolf as we drove on the beltway, and he gave me the look, the "you are a bit crazy and have really poor judgment" look, to which I replied:

"Well, I was having a bad day. I had been sitting in my office with the door shut, fighting off tears because I was so scared. And that's when I got her email, and, well, . . . oops."

__________

Mama had an imaging test done last Wednesday to take a look at the tumors. She'd had six rounds for Chemotherapy, and she wasn't tolerating it very well any more. I didn't know when her appointment to get the results back on Friday was, when, again crying at my desk, I wrote my sister, saying:

I'm scared, Joy. I'm real scared. I'm afraid to call to find out what the doctor said. I don't even know when her appointment is or was.

Are you ok?

She replied:

Her appointment isn't until 3 . . She says she won't be back at home until after 5 . . . Dad says he just feels like she is going to be ok . . . I'm going to stay that way until things should turn. I'm fine . . . Think positive!!!!

_________

Well, I tried to think positive. But I was scared and tearful, and tired.

Joy called me as we were getting ready to leave for the Dixie Chicks concert. Quite sad. There are more tumors in her liver. However, the chemo does seem to have done some good to the tumors on her spine. The MRI showed that the bone marrow has regrown and is containing those.

Now, there're going to stop the chemo, Thank God, but they're going to start another treatment that's going to be worse. It's an attempt at restricting the growth of the tumors in her liver. In addition to the threat of losing her hair, which she managed to hold onto so far; this could cause her to have sores on her hands and feet and who knows what else. (But I can guess.)

Joy feels numb. I am disappointed.

Because this is not what I am hoping for, but it is what I expect.

I asked her how Daddy was, and she said "I think he is oblivious."

"Oh, no" I said, "He's not."

_________

Mama repeated all the news, in a joyous, relieved tone.

_________

Mrs. HappyFace didn't ask Mom to play for her voice student's recital this year. Mom's played for it for the last 20 years. Mrs. HappyFace is retiring and moving to Florida. She hasn't been to visit. I've begun to think that Mrs. HappyFace is a traitor. "Get a hold of yourself" I've wanted to shout at her, "this is not about you."

_________

"I've got a secret" I told Rolf. "Mrs. HappyFace wrote me and asked me if it was true that Mama had cancer again. And she wanted to know what the prognosis was, and I kinda told her that 'IT'S HORRIBLE! DESPERATE! SHE'S GONNA DIE!' So that freaked her out . . . Because she wrote me back, oh in February, and said she was afraid to ask me how Mom was doing, but she is more afriad of calling Mom, because well, she said she's a chicken. . . But, I'm so mad at her for not *being there*. . .

"Well, Joy said that she saw Daddy break down for the first time today. It was at church. Mrs. HappyFace was there. Joy said that her church job was over, so she wanted to come to First Baptist and see the new building. . .

"And finally see Mom?" I said

"I think she was hoping too. (Mom plays piano at another church now.) Any way, Mrs. HappyFace and her friend were talking to Daddy, and she asked how Mom was doing. . . and Daddy was telling her. . . and he just lost it. . . he was just sobbing. . ."

_________

I don't think we'll see Mrs. HappyFace again.

I Am Changing

I Am Changing

from Dreamgirls
Oh, I can't wait for the movie!

Look at me
Look at me
I am changing, tryin' every way I can
I am changing, I'll be better than I am
I'm trying-to find a way to understand
But I need you, I need you-I need a hand

I am changing, seeing everything so clear now
I am changing, I'm gonna start right now, right here
I'm hoping to work it out, and I know that I can
But I need you, I need a hand

All my life I've been a fool
Who said I could do it all alone
How many good friends have I already lost
How many dark nights have I known

Walking down that wrong road, there was nothing I could find
All those years of darkness-can make a person blind
But now I can see

I am changing, tryin every way I can
I am changing, I'll be better than I am
But I need a friend-to help me start all over again,
oh-that would be just fine
I know it's gonna work out this time
'Cause this time I am-This time I am

I am changing, gonna get my life together now
I am changing, yes, I know how
I'm gonna start again, I'm leaving my past behind
I'll change my life-I'll make a vow
And nothing's gonna stop me now...hey

________

Will I always hate myself on some level? Maybe, but not on every level.

I am changing-

I wanted to be a story teller. I wanted to have something to say at parties. But I felt like I had no voice.

Now, I've found my voice. I figure out my stories here. I labor over them because it does not come easy for me. But, having them worked out in advance, I can tell my stories. I can use my voice. And I'm building a skill that was never strong before, I know that I have something worth saying. I'm participating much more.

I love this blog! It's a secret you know. Especially since I use it for therapy too, and I put in my most scathing and often wrongheaded thoughts. And I see them, and I know they're wrong and I fix it.

I am changing. Tryin' every way I can to be better than I am. I'm a student at the Actors Conservatory of the Studio Theatre - just to change who I am, to change how I think, and to change what is possible in my life. I am so proud of that. I can't wait to get back. My next class is Improvisation I.

I think I don't hate myself as much as I did. I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

Anything But Work

Today - in my town - my fabulous other gives the presentation he's been working on for two months.

Mama gets the results of her MRI

I've been at work for 1.5 hours, and haven't done a damn bit of work. . . just like yesterday and the day before . . . hell it's been that kind of week!

I have not had enough sleep - but I sure had a good time last night! Into the Woods was a delight! Drinks with my friend, and former Tommy wife lasted until late in the night. I'm surprised I made it to work.

We're going to see the Dixie Chicks tonight!

Also, I told Rolf:

"We're going out of town tomorrow. If I get up in the morning, and I still don't have plans, I'm still going to pack a bag, grab my swimsuit, and get in the car and go, whether or not you want to or not." - but I still don't have plans! I do kinda have a dog-sitter. I must finalize that. I need to get to the beach!

_________

Towmy - who lives next to the house we're buying in Richmond for the flip - called and left two messages the other day. Message one:

"Hey Rolf and Vig, I need the telephone number for [the home owner] because someone has broken in the house and is doing their laundry. I think it is Evil Eye from next door, because I know her water has been turned off."

Message two:

"Never mind, I took care of it. I went over there and I took the clothes, and put them in the trash; and I put poop on them."

A little over the line? - well - a little over a lot of lines - a lot. He abused the responsibility of having keys to the house, which we do not own yet, and he destroyed someone else's property.

I am having agita.

must have coffee
mmm

Food, Glorious Food

Sunday we finally got around to that marinated Olive and Cannellini Bean salad, with Olive Oil, Balsamic, crushed garlic, thyme sprigs, and oregano. I diced some red pepper and red onion, and I added a package of tuna steaks (they're already cooked, and great.) Well, that was the whole dish. We needed a quick meal, so it was an Olive, Cannellini Bean salad with Tuna.

Rolf must have found some new taste buds, because he said:

"If you served this on a bed of lettuce, with some nice bread, I'd pay fifteen dollars."

__________

Then, on Tuesday we had leftover lamb and cous-cous from Saturday, but the cous-cous was dry. So, I made a lemon-olive oil vinaigrette and added a few tablespoons of it to the tabouli. So, totally edible and great. (But I had all this left over lemon vinaigrette in the fridge.)

Oh, and a neighbor dropped in on Monday with a dozen, fresh picked and beautiful, peaches. So, dinner last night was planned to be fish. I don't do fish. But it's so damn hot, and fish cooks so quick, and besides, it's been in the freezer for three months already. As Memae says, it's all about moving the product; so we had fish.

But not just any fish.

Have you ever played the "Cooking with Google Game?" What you do is you put a couple of ingredients you have on hand, say, gherkins and lamb, and add the word "recipe" and you're gonna get a recipe. Wait, let me try that one. . . not kidding. I got:

Baked Edam with Curacao Lamb Recipe #53052

He he he. . . so I googled "Alaskan Halibut Peaches Recipe" and I got the idea to marinate my peaches in that leftover lemon vinaigrette, then grill it all. The vinaigrette was sour, maybe a bitter lemon was in there, so I added a 1/4 cup of sugar, whisked it all together and marinated the peaches for about an hour. After which, so much peach juice had come out, that I now had Peach Lemon vinaigrette.

Oh! Rolf and I ate downstairs. Because it's so frickin' hot. But, there's no table down there.

As quick as I could, I brought a table base in from under the sun-room, and two ice-cream chairs that had been out side too. I found a piece of plywood, that I covered with some towels (really, it was too hot to go upstairs to search for a table cloth.) And the chairs were grimy, so I just covered them with towels too.

I brought the food down on a tray, and asked Rolf to set it on the table while I went to wash my hands.

When I got back to the table, he was sitting there, sparkling eyes, sheepish looking, suppressing a grin.

"Oh, is it good?" I asked. I thought he was waiting to chew something, and that's why he didn't say anything. And I sat down, and his expression changed to puzzlement . . .and mock accusation. . .

"Why am I the only one who got a squishy chair?! Did you do that on purpose?"

"Oh, is it wet?" I started to say. . . but didn't finish because his chair peed on the floor. I shrieked with laughter. With a towel on it, he didn't get wet. And we didn't have another chair, unless you went into the furnace, so he just stayed there. . . with the chair peeing loudly every now and then.

So the final dish was: Grilled Alaskan halibut with grilled peaches and lemon-peach vinaigrette, a peeing chair, and lots of laughs.

I think that is very funny.

And, lord was it good.

If I can't take my coffee break, Something inside of me dies!

"Pop?!"

"Yeahuh?!"

"You hung up on me"

"When?"

"At 4:30, I called to find out how you and Mom were doing. And you answered the phone" (sounding confused and old, I'll tell you) "and you said 'Hello? Hello?' then I bet you cursed or something. I was shouting 'Pop! Pop! Do you have your ears in?" And you just hung up on me. . . Only you didn't, because I could still clearly hear that you were watching Montel Williams on TV."

Daddy starts laughing hard, in my minds eye I could see him wiping tears away.

"I kept yelling 'Pop? Mom? Anybody?'

And he's just laughing and trying to tell me something, but he can't stop, finally, through stuttered laughter, he says:

"I couldn't hear anything. I thought you had hung up. I didn't know I had the phone upside down!"

So, he had put it back in the cradle upside down too.

"It's hard getting old. You don't understand that," he says "but you will."

I understand it's hard watching him get old. That's all I need to know right now.

"You're mother is doing much better today. She's gone to choir practice. She even says that coffee tastes good again, so she's doing real good."

I still believe in miracles.

At church on Sunday morning, I think I was most thankful for being able to stay at home all day Saturday with Rolf. It just doesn't happen very often.

And I was most concerned about Mom.

She's just completed her sixth round of chemotherapy and can't hide that she feels awful anymore. Mostly, she says she has so little energy that she can hardly stay awake.

Well, the heatwave began here on Sunday - and she was scheduled to accompany the gospel quartet at the Fredericksburg Agricultural Fair. Who's dumb idea was that?! My sister, Joy, who's part of the quartet, told me:

"It was tough. There was a room that had air conditioning, so she stayed in there until the last possible second. Then I whisked her home right after. She slept going down and in the room and a little on the way home. She was feeling just awful. But she didn't want to give it up . . . We went to Carl's for ice cream on the way home. That was good."

Well, I got down there on Tuesday, and said I thought she looked like she was feeling better; but she said she wasn't. Still, we had a good visit and dinner.

She made a squash casserole, which was good even though as a proud food snob the idea of squash casserole made with cream of chicken soup, saltine crackers, and cheese makes me shudder. But, yes, I had seconds! What can I say? I grew up on that stuff. I cooked the steaks, searing them, then finishing them off in a onion sauce on the stove. It was very good, even though I had to use this old granulated beef bullion, so to my tastes, it hinted of manufacture.

I scrubbed the kitchen clean and did all the dishes. When I was breaking a sweat scrubbing the backsplash, Mom laughed and said "It's good to have you around." And I said,

"Yeah, well I was thinking that maybe I could come down and make dinner for you and Dad once a week. It's not much, but if I make dinner, and clean up afterward, that's three hours that you can use to do something else that's been hard to get to."

My goal is still to see them twice a week, with Tuesdays or Wednesday's being the day I go cook and clean for them. As my Dad continues to lose his mobility, he grabs hold of walls, doors, and handles for support, and they are all filthy. I can only imagine that he spends time outside working without gloves on, and then doesn't wash his hands, and then stumbles into the wall, or grabs on a door jamb for support. I just want to remove any bad sight so they don't say to themselves: "Then there's that."

Mom's working her butt off, trying to stay active and alive, but they need help. Mom has a quilt that she was rescuing - I'm not kidding. Shannon, my niece, had washed it and it was never right again. Instead of tossing it, Mom's remaking it. Shannon said she didn't want it back, so Mom's going to rebuild it and use it down at the lake house, where everything find's a new home.

Well, Mom asked for my help with it; just to pin the batting in place. After dinner, and a game of scrabble with Shannon (who is not fun at Scrabble); we went to work on the quilt, which was upstairs. Well, Momma walked up two stairs, and just stopped. The shock that it took that much effort disgusted her. Slowly, she helped herself up by pulling on the handrails.

It's a queen sized quilt. It's going to take a lot of work to hand quilt the whole thing. But later, after we'd gotten it all pinned in place, and sat talking in the kitchen downstairs, I said:

"Well, I don't think I should stay any longer because you'll probably get some rest if I go."

"I think I'll go and get my quilting hoop and get started . . . " she said, just looking so very sad. We shared an intense look of pain or concern, to which she replied:

"When I get busy doing something like that, I forget how awful I really feel."

The latest MRI was taken yesterday.

I need that miracle now.

We believe in miracles.

I need one now.

please.

A Time of Love

It all started on Friday. With time to kill before Rolf got home; I started a marinated salad of cannellini beans and black olives, did a load of dishes. . . . . . waiting . . .

(I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host. - Parker)

Rolf, who was running late, is dangerous when pushed. So, I made a sign that I wore over my pocket. It said:

Smile please
& HURRY!

Don't criticize my shirt.

Which he dutifully obeyed! I had a martini waiting for him when he was dressed and ready to go, and I plated some of the beans and olives.

"What's this?! Cade's waiting for us! I thought we had to hurry."

"We're meeting him at Titan instead [of his office] I'll call him and tell him we're on the way. But he's waiting at his office for us. Did you have lunch?"

"no"

"Then eat this quick so you won't starve before dinner."

"But weren't you making this for later?", as he lifted a spoonful.

"Nope, I made it for you."

"Beans?! You trying to give me gash?"

__________

Drinks and laughter with Cade, and hot men, at Titan

Dozen block summer city walk to Hank's Oyster Bar

More drinks - more laughs - lobster roll!

(Oh!, Provincetown.)

Home by twelve,

Asleep by 12:15

Loud "harrumphs" from Rolf in the other room.

__________

It was so quiet, bright and beautiful Saturday morning. I spent most of the day in the sunroom. After breakfast, with coffee, and my feet up on the ottoman: I read a magazine for two whole hours. Of course, I felt guilty using a pile of clean laundry as a pillow, but it was still pretty near heaven.

At some point, after Rolf had zipped through and out of the house to get a hair-cut and a massage that I set up for him- I got back to completing my marinated olive and white bean salad, to which I was going to add the beautiful farmer's market yellow beefsteak tomato, and serve over shredded lettuce as a side dish for dinner. . . when I found that most of it was gone.

Oh well. c'est la vie, no?

"Well, you said you made it for me," he said, sitting at the table with me, looking sheepish, handsome and relaxed; and, thank God, with a good hair cut. "If you want me to, I'll go to the store and get you more olives and those beans - the dressing is still in there. . ."

"Really? You'll go the store for me" I said, my mind spinning around a glorious possibility: I might not have to leave the house all day!

And he did! He took the laundry to the cleaners too! While he was gone, I got the slaves working (that would be the washer/dryer, and both dishwashers. I've lost track of where all those dirty dishes came from.), and I got really busy with the reimagining of the master bedroom. We've been working on turning it into a dressing room, and it's just been a mess. The drawers of the broken dresser, sitting at the foot of the futon, still stuffed with clothes, more clothes on top of the futon. . . oy.my.God.

Rolf, god bless him; he got sacked by the heat, man. He was nearing a heat stroke by the time he got home with the groceries. I didn't offer to help either, which irritated him, but he didn't ask, or tell me there was more; so I didn't think there was any need, you know? c'est la vie.

Before he collapsing, he made it down to the rec room, where the temperature is 25,000 times more comfortable than upstairs. And I was upstairs, just being Donna Reed, Mrs. Happy Housewife in my own T.V. Show.

__________

We sat together at the pub table in the sunroom. Kitchen behind, living area to the left with a Magnolia beyond, the forest (and lake) in front, a holly bush to the right, with two fans and Mango daiquiris, up, in martini glasses. Talking and laughing; we were just friends. Best friends.

_________

I made lamb with lemon and rosemary, garden fresh green beans with homemade tomato, oregano, and garlic jam, tabouli (cous-cous salad) with the aforementioned garden fresh yellow tomato plus roasted corn, lemon and olive oil, parsley and mint.

He said it was the best meal he's ever had.

To every thing, turn turn turn
There is a season, turn turn

I like this season.

Would that it lasts, forever.

Cheers.