Friday, July 28, 2006

Maybe just one more cup of coffee

Well-

Rolf has "red-team" today. It's one of the last reviews of the oral proposal presentation. I wish there was something I could do to help. Well, I know what to do. All these reviews have his confidence shaken. So, this weekend he's going to do the presentation for me. I hope I can offer valuable assistance. I'm sure I can. He just needs confidence. I don't think of him as someone who is afraid of public speaking, but he does break out into a flop sweat when he goes on stage. Maybe if he sees how wonderful he is in my eyes, he will believe it.

BME has not been in contact with us since he left for vacation in Turkey. It has been 7 days since his car was levied by the county. They say that if the tax isn't paid by Monday, they're going to sell it! I'm not paying for it. However, I did, after a great amount of effort, find his sister. I gave her the warrant and all the back-up paperwork. I hope that she gets it paid.

"So, what if the county sells his car? Am I still kicking him out, when he is down?" That's what Rolf asks me, rather accusingly.

Yes.

Bemmy's going to end up dead or in jail one of these days soon. Perhaps a little side trip to a homeless shelter will be the smack he needs to wake him up and save his life. What if I can't do it though? Am I willing to appoint myself as the house warden, and take away his computer, television, and porn?

I really don't think I care anymore.

Mama's had her sixth week of chemo. It's getting rougher each time. But she is an inspiration. If it were me, I would have lain down until it all the bad days were over, probably never rising again. But she is obsessesed with staying on top. She's fighting for her life by making sure the bed is made, the floors are cleaned, and the lawn mowed. This week or next they're going to look at the tumors. We're ready for the miracle! Oh, how I hope they are gone.

I've lost track of where we are at with buying the Richmond house. The first attempt at the loan is being rethought. Rolf is handling it, well, in his free time. Meanwhile, Towmy in Richmond is getting estimates and just biting at the bit waiting to get started.

I talked to Kay last night. She is still saying things like "I keep telling everyone all the things you did for me. And I am just amazed by all you did. . . And I can't beleive how you just saved the reception by making a new wedding cake. ." It really doesn't seem like I did all that much. It just goes to show, it's being there that counts. If you don't know what to do, just be there. In itself, that is the biggest gift.

Well, I am procrastinating on a bit of work. I have meeting in two hours to explain a discrepancy in the financial statements. Only, I don't know what happened yet.

Now that I've had my coffee, and cleared my head a bit, it's time to get on to it.

Wish me luck.

All the best to you for a great weekend.

Vig

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

With Nothing But the Radio On

Hm.

Saturday morning came to early. In bed after 3am, I was up again after 8 to make it to a hair appointment and massage! When I got home, one overnight guest had left, and the other, Ella, was making her bed, bless her.

After brunch, with one arm around and holding Rolf, and the other offering a goodbye hug to Ella, I said "Having you here was probably the best part of my weekend. . . unless I can get this one" (nodding my head toward to Rolf) "to take a nap with me."

And that's just what we did. It was lovely.

Then we went to the movies! We saw "The Devil Wears Prada". Hooray! Hooray!

Afterward, it had rained! The temperature dropped into the low 80's, and the humidity disappeared.

At home we shut the doors leading to the sun-room from the house, but opened all the sun-room doors that lead outside. Shut the lights off, lit some candles, and drank champagne

with nothing but the radio on.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Istanbul, not Constantinople

Friday, I slipped out of work unnoticed, at 4. As I was driving away, figuring to use the half-hour I had (before picking up Tomas at the Rosslyn Subway) to pick up last minute party supplies; the cell phone rang.

"Hello, doll-baby," Tomas said.

"Hi! Are you at the metro already?"

"No, " he said with uncertainty, "I'm not going to be able to come."

"As suspected" I thought with irritation, before my heart broke with shame and concern.

"I'm really sorry. But I've been going crazy with tooth pain all day. I have to go the drug store to get something to help. Then I'm just going to come back home."

"Did a crown break, or is it a cavity, or something?" I asked.

"Well, a filling fell out about two months ago, but I can't afford to go to the dentist . . . It didn't start to hurt until today."

Well. Oh, lord. I sure hope he finds a job soon!

______________________

Bemmy's SUV was in my driveway, with 8" x 10" day-glo orange stickers on the windows when I drove up. Knowing there were dozens of unopened pieces of mail from Virginia and Fairfax County departments of taxation on the couch next to his desk, I was not surprised. What did surprise me was that the car was in the driveway, and not on the street where it had been in the morning. Knowing that Bemmy is in Turkey (meeting the internet boyfriend of the month) meant that Rolf had moved it, even though the biggest font on the sign was for the sentence "DO NOT MOVE THIS VEHICLE!" Smaller letters stated that the car has been levied by the county for non-payment of personal property taxes. Oh, and also, that if you move the car, you may be found guilty of Grand Larceny!

I didn't care. I was glad he moved it. The orange from the stickers was so bright it was reflecting off the front windows and the brick of the house, and garden ornaments. I don't need every person who drives down my street, or pushes their child's stroller, walks their dog, rides their bike, to stop and read that someone in this house is having their car advertised for sale within ten days if they don't pay $750 in unpaid personal property taxes.

yeah. Idiot.
______________

"So!" my first dinner party guest says, "Is crime so bad in this neighborhood that you have to put a big orange sign on your car saying Do Not Move This Vehicle?"

Hugs and Kisses. "Guava Daquiri?"

Many.
__________

Six of us enjoyed the sunset concert at the marina. Ella, my guest of honor, and I shared a blanket, while the other's sat in chairs behind us as the Fairfax Symphony Concert Band played in the pavilion on top of the hill. We knew from the first notes we heard, as we walked up the hill to the pavilion, that it was going to be a good night - "They're in tune!" I laughed with glee. "Cheers!" but I was the only one who brought a cocktail.

Rolf, my fabulous other, called and let me know he was on his way home. I wanted him to join us at the marina if he could because it was just beautiful. Ella, Leta, SaraLee, Jeff, and Carter and I were all laughing and singing along to the band. Nobody minded.

"So, about Bemmy's car?" I asked.

"Oh yeah" Rolf said. "Well, the sheriff came by this morning, and I knew it wasn't for me . . . So . . . I didn't answer the door" he said with a laugh. "When I was heading to the office, I found that there was a . . . a warrant . . . for Bemmy. . . it was taped to the door. . . and I was late. . . so I left it. But. . . "

"Uh-huh, but" I interrupted. "Yeah, I'm at the concert, so just let me ask you one quick question: Did you know it was a felony to move his car?"

I think everybody in my party heard him scream and laugh in mock horror.
__________

The concert ended too soon, even before sunset, but not before we saw some pretty light on the lake. My friend Leta, who had a joint replaced in her toe last week, was walking slowly and with a cane. I was ahead of the pack (I wanted to check and see if there were any turtles down by the peddle boats,) so I was the first to see Berthe across the beach. She had gotten as far as the bleachers before she had to stop or risk having a heart attack. I laughed delightedly when I saw her. . . "Love the dress" I yelled across the beach. She held the sides of it out wide, and spun a bit, saying that she thinks it looks like a big target. And she was right. It was a tie-dyed muumuu, with a cobalt and teal targets right on her stomach and butt.

She and SaraLee were a little scary, I thought they were going to bare their claws and start striking at each other, even though they said niceties

"My goodness, I haven't seen you in years."

"Well, I live in Philadelphia now with my husband. . " Berthe responded warily.

and SaraLee awkwardly leaned in to offer a hug, while Berthe simultaneously leaned in and backed away at once. By that time everyone was on the beach . . . before I knew it, Berthe and SaraLee took off (on a race to see who could get back to the house first.?) I think SaraLee was trying to kill her. The rest of us tried to make sure that Leta didn't try and go to fast, so the five minute walk took closer to twenty minutes.

"That was more than a five-minute walk," Berthe said sternly when I got in, her hips squeezed up over the arms of the chair. "Well, ya'll made it back real quick" I said, wondering if she was so red because she was going to have a heart attack. "Well, that's because I was walking with SaraLee, and she was trying to kill me."

Hmm. . . I hear SaraLee and Rolf talking in the hall, as the rest of the party comes in, and I'm off to burn some food!
__________

Since it turned out to be 8 of us, we put the leaf in the table and had a sit-down dinner instead of buffet, which was just great. Everyone had wine, and I was real proud of the spread. I even stood up, cause I had to explain what it was they were having. So I introduced the Antipasti de Casa with grilled chicken, and told them that it was almost entirely homemade and . . . I also pretty much promised that it was going to be fantastic. And I explained what each grilled vegetable item was, especially the Tandori Squash. Well, Ella raised a toast to me, the chef, and I added in

"and to good friends, good music, and summer nights."

It was the loudest and happiest dinner party I can remember throwing.
_________
Rolf cleared the table, and I brought out the Limoncello, which I serve in shooter style little glasses, but cut with a sparkling lemonade from Trader Joes. Oh my god, it is so good. And a little less sweet and strong than straight Limoncello. Everybody had some! (Except for Carter - doesn't to citrus, so he had bourbon instead.) I guess we finished with dinner at 10:30, and moved with our after dinner drinks to the sun-room, where we just continued having a wonderful time, finally having dessert (purchased from Trader Joes. . . love them!)

It wasn't until after twelve that we went downstairs to look at some old videos. Carter and Rolf stayed upstairs and drank bourbon and champagne respectively while they solved the worlds problems; while we, downstairs, watched old video of community theatre shows we'd done over the years. And we didn't stop until 3 in the morning!

Oh, some of it was so bad that I cringed, yelling "Why did we put this on tape!" Like the part in The Apple Tree when I'm wearing a toga that showed my 23 year old, but sagging, left nipple. Oh! My! God! And I just sucked. (I mean, pretty voice, and hair only go so far.) But that was when I was relying on a limited amount of God Given Talent; now I can back it up with some skill. Oh, but lordy lordy.

On the other hand, I got to sing "Morning Glow" from Pippin in a revue. That was on there and I am very proud of that. But on the former hand, back in The Apple Tree when I was staring (in act 3) as your friendly neighborhood t.v. fairy godmother, well, it wasn't the dress, or the Barbara Bush wig and pearls, or the Dame Edna glasses, or even the tie-died bedsheet I wore as a dress - it was that screechy attempt at sounding like a woman, that was even more embarrassing that showing my left nipple.

I've come a long way baby.

Thank god.

Yay Me!

There was much more. Many funny and beautiful moments of each of us. One of Berthe and a friend singing "My Friend" from A . . . My Name is Alice made her really cry. I know how it is. Sometimes you can never get over the extreme honor and gratefulness of being permitted to create a moment like that. "A moment of like that vibrates through eternity", as Frankie said in Forever Plaid.

"That's all anyone has the right to expect.

And we had more than our share."


Friday, July 21, 2006

The Lady or the Tiger: Which Did She Choose?

Originally, tonight's party was just for gays and girls. Rolf was going to be away, besides, except for liking to have sex with me, he would hardly qualify as being gay. Really! You should See the way he dresses! (Just teasing!) But, he canceled his trip, and well, I guess he'll be there. This proposal he's working on has one deadline after another. He's not even sure he'll get home!

Leta is bringing her husband, so there will be one real straight man there. This is going to be an odd party.

But the food will be good; I've been cooking it all week. The centerpiece is going to be what you might call Antipasti de Casa. Does that translate to appetizer of the house? I've grilled zucchini, and marinated that in my own tomato balsamic jam, and I've grilled eggplant, assorted peppers, tindori squash, and asparagus -they are all marinating in herbed vinaigrette. There are several loaves of a wonderful kalamata olive Parmesan bread, lots of olives, several cheeses, including Gruyere and Emmenthaler, they're my current favorites. There are also chips and dips. I'm making a salad, and grilling chicken breasts and thighs, that are currently marinating in a sun-dried tomato pesto (from a jar.)

My guest "of honor" is not a very close friend, but we've had some good times together. She directed me when I starred in The Apple Tree, and actually performed in the third act of it as Passionella, to my "neighborhood T.V. fairy-godmother." I wore high heels, a dress made out of an old tie-dyed bed sheet, Dame Edna glasses. . . It was a long time ago.

So, Ella, who doesn't live around here anymore, has come back for a vacation, and for her son to spend some time with his dad. Since we have lot's of mutual friends, I thought there were all these people who would love to see her besides me, and coincidentally, I'd love to see a lot of those people myself; so I'm throwing her a dinner party.

And Tomas is coming after all. He has been aloof and non-committal lately. It's hard to say that I know why when I'm surmising so much, but I'll say it anyway: We did not talk to him about canceling our joint vacation to Provincetown.

He's been unemployed since November. Once Sonny had to pull out of the trip, it was obvious to us that we'd have to cover both Sonny's portion as well as Tomas' part. They were going to drive up so Tomas wouldn't have transportation expense. We already know that Tomas has been getting loans from friends to help him out, most importantly, to pay his mortgage. So, there is no way he can afford to go. But we didn't talk to him about it.

I'll tell you why. He stayed with us for about 9 months not too long ago. It was supposed to be for about two months while he worked on renting or purchasing his own place. I can't say it was through no fault of his own, but he tried to buy two places and the process for both was such a mess that it looked like he was never going to get out.

So, after six months, I said to him: "Have you given some thought to paying us rent?" Boy that made him mad. I was mad myself. Heck, after six months of living there for free, including my cooking and feeding him, and driving him to work every day; Rolf and I were insulted that he didn't bring it up himself.

He snapped at me! I still can't believe his attitude or tone. But what he said was just so odd:

"Well! I really think that's something for you and Rolf to decide!"

There's no way I can get the weirdness of the moment down. We were at a stop light, on the way to his office. . . it was just weird. Even though my adrieline matched his within a heart-beat, I just calmly said "We'd like you to pay $300 rent per month beginning immediatley."

Now, he and Sonny have always been very close, perhaps more so since Sonny contributed so much to the renovation of Tomas condominium. (I must say, it was a delightful surprise that Rolf and I were their choice of people to share the wonderful vacation in Provincetown with them. ) Also, Sonny and Tomas worship and sing in their choir together, so they see each other no less than twice a week. Sonny is his transportation for everything too.

That said, Tomas must have found out that Sonny was going to Finland before we did. We didn't know what to do, and we didn't get back to Sonny for a whole week. At first it was because it needed to be a joint decision with Tomas - but he never called us. Why not? Why would he want us to contact him? Or did he, does he think that we should have treated him to a vacation because he doesn't have a job and we do?

I really don't know. But, I feel that I have to set aside that contempt. Bottom line: my friend who is having major health problems requiring a corneal transplant, plus morbid obesity issues, is dead broke. After all that drama/trauma to get into his own home, I'm afraid he's going to lose it.

Oh, then there's the issue of him being a supreme bitch, and not only are we not treating him to a vacation we can ill afford, but we're also kicking Bemmy out. I think he's really pissed, but he's not saying anything.

There's a lot for me to sort out. These few words don't do justice to the situation.

When Sonny and I ran into him at the Playbill last week, it had been over a month since I'd seen him. I am so desperatly worried about him, that it was just wonderful to see that he appears to be fine. (I know better, but at least he's holding up well.) Still, I remain firmly convinced that any financial help he needs now, well, it just isn't any of my business. After having him live with us for 9 months, and having so very many other people rely on us and take advantage of us; I am limiting that kind of bear your burdens support to Rolf and our families.

They say that we gay people make our own families. But now, as far as I'm concerned, when it comes to dollars or living with me, it's the families given to Rolf and me, only those will receive that kind of charity. The ones who glom onto us and say: You're my family, I looove you, adore you, can I stay with you, will you buy me dinner? Yeah. Not-so-much.

Mostly.

I have to pick him up at the metro, and get him home after the party.

oy.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

hi

Tomas is coming. Is it all in my head? I love him so much. I'm so glad he is coming to the party. So glad.

Towmy is on the phone . . . just told him we don't have a loan in place yet. Whoo hoo.

Bemmy went to Istanbul.

This is my life.

How weird is that?!

Cheers!

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

A Smile for You





Coffee and Tea and the Java and Me

Hi. um - I'm good. Chuck, the Dr., says I'm stressing out. So, we're doing blood tests, and I'm going to have cardiac exam of some kind or other just to prove that I'm nuts. Do you think he was trying to be funny when he said "Have you heard of the subconscious. . . " Hmm.

I feel great today. Just great. I think all I need is to get exercising again - maybe some yoga or dance, my chest just feels so tight, some good stretching would hurt so good.

Any way, I hope ya'll are doing fine.

I'm gonna list and make some notes about what's stressing me out now. So, ya'll go on and have a nice day. I don't want to be a bore.

A) Rolf is in proposal hell at work, which I construed to be akin to when he was in Master's Degree hell, but it isn't at all. I've totally over-reacted and acted out of fear rather than reality.

B) We're buying a house in Richmond to flip, and I don't think things are moving well. Rolf has to get the loan, because because because, and he hasn't done it. What will happen? Well, one thing is that Towmy is sitting next door to the house we're going to buy just chomping at the bit to get started; and he doesn't know that we're not doing anything. We're all dreaming about making a profit. I'm getting new windows and doors with my share. He's going to fix his bathroom with his. There's a lot of uncertainty there. I'm really scared. Really really really scared.

C) Um - I've got a new boss at work. I told her that I dug myself a good and deep grave here and there are things I need to do to get out of it. So, I laid it all out, pretty much. So now I really am supposed to be cleaning the crap up and preparing for the new contract. And I'm not doing it.

D) We are evicting Bemmy.

E) Tomas . . . what the hell is up with that? but anyway, not really stressing me out. Just pisses me off.

F) I don't have any pants that fit.

G) Mom still fighting cancer.

H) We haven't made plans to go to Italy for our 25th anniversary. We don't have passports, or an itinerary, or most importantly, money.

I) That little credit problem I had, where they were trying to rip me off, and I failed to get it taken care of, has bitten me in the (FICO) ass so damn hard it makes me want to spit.

J) I hate my work

K). . . this is n't a very long list is it. . . . it doesn't really make all that much sense that I'm reacting like this . . . hmm. . .

Well, then. OK Here's letter k:

I'm a stupid ass loser for overreacting to life's minor problems and I should be shot.

and that's the truth.

But I feel good now, like I finally got enough rest. But it still feels like deep breaths take too much work. OH - Bemmy's vacation starts tomorrow. He's going to Istanbul to meet an internet boy friend.

While I think this is really not wise - I am envious.

I ain't got nothin' else to say.

'cept about Russ and Officer Cupcake. Ah, yes. But that's for another day.

All the best,
Vig

Monday, July 17, 2006

Capture notes - not feeling well

Friday -

Three pre-party drinks at home alone. Bemmy went to NYC for the weekend and Rolf was at work. I met Sonny at Titan at 7:20. I was late due to lack of parking. Our friend (and landscape architect) was there, so we talked to him, while we had drinks (3+1=4) for a few moments before we walked up the block to the Playbill Theatre, where we were surprised to run into Tomas and What's-His-Name. We had Cosmopolitans (4+1=5) before the show, and two more afterward (5+2=7). Because Tomas was there, I can't say I caught up with Sonny so much. We didn't talk about the leather jock-strap competition because he'd be mad if I let the cat out of the bag in front of Tomas. Tomas seems to be doing great. That can't be true, but he is the best at Keeping Up Appearances. ChrisG was in the show, Psycho Beach Party, which was a surprise. More of a surprise is that Tomas could see him well enough to recognize him. Chris was a cagelle in La Cage Aux Folles that I stared in 1999. Then I went to Virgin in Shirlington to try and catch up with Puck & Elena, but rumor had it that they had gone to the Tap House, so I walked down there. They weren't there, but I ran into Evan who was in Tommy with me back in 1997. He was just a sophmore in highschool back then. Now he has a degree in theatre, and is getting jobs in the local professional arena. So, I had a martini (7+1=8) and visited with him and his girlfriend J. Then I went back to Virgin and had a beer (8+1=9), and listend to Steve McWilliams Band, and I talked with Amy, and her friends. Which was cool, and odd because we don't really know each other. I told her, and her friends that I've finally found a use for the great card I have at home.

It says: Thanks for the party! Inside: I honestly thought I was invited.

Then I got home, and poured a glass of wine - which I made Rolf drink. Maybe I had some. . . I don't think so. Then I kept him up until 3. Which made him late for his 9:30 am Saturday meeting. I was pretty sick. All day.

I didn't go see The Last Five Years, because my head hurt too much. I think it was a hangover- but my head still ached bad on Sunday too. Also, my heart has just been beating so hard since Saturday, that I have to go see the doctor today. Last time it was like this, we had increased the anti-depressant to 450 mg. Then we went back to 300 mg. I didn't take it yesterday, and I forgot to take it today. But now I have to see what the doctor wants to do. It didn't work anyway. . . of course I wasn't supposed to be drinking . . .

Bemmy joined us for dinner on Sunday. Of course, Rolf was working all day, but he got home in time for dinner. Then we all watched Dr. Who. We still haven't actually talked to Bemmy about his eviction. But, it doesn't look good. He got mail from the unemployment office - when I held it up to the light, I saw that it said: "Denied. . . must work . . . at least . . . quarters. . . "

By the way, the receptionist just asked if I was feeling better. "Better from when?" I said. "Well, when you came in on Friday you said you had such a bad headache that you should have stayed home." I forgot. Well, the headache went away mostly yesterday. Now it's just a hint of a headache, and the pounding heart. I think I'll leave.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Psycho Beach Party

I don't like this. Why can't I be . . well. . Rolf doesn't like this either. He's not working like this for fun.

Bemmy went out with Sonny on Wednesday night. Now it's a tangled web, but it's fun. Bemmy's friend is the music director for Caroline, or Change which I saw it last night. I wanted to tell him about it, and find out how his night went on Wednesday; because he went with Sonny to the Eagle for the all leather jock strap night. Not Kidding. There was a contest, and Sonny got second prize!

Sonny is my "date" tonight to see Psycho Beach Party. And we're going to Titan for drinks first.
So I can't wait to see how tonight goes. I bet he will be getting a lot of attention at Titan. Bemmy was sworn to secracy by the way. he-he.

I'm also going to get some inside information on Tomas. Both Sonny and Bemmy are his friends too, and much closer to him these days than I am. Hell, I was even excluded from his birthday dinner on Monday. Those viscous bitches. None-the-less, Tomas has been out of work since November. I want to find out if he's given any thought to trying to get disability based on his deteriorating eyesight. Then there's also the sleep-apnea induced narcolepsy, and the weight exacerbated knee and hip problems. Not to mention perpetual loneliness.

Yeah, my life with Rolf is tough. But I not only love him with all my heart and soul, but I know how damn lucky I am to have him.

Ok. I really am behind at work, so I better get to it.

Have a great weekend. As for me, I'm going to see Psycho Beach Party with the first runner up of the leather jock strap contest.

Oh, I can't stop laughing.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

This is the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius

Thursday 7/13

Bemmy has avoided us ever since we gave him the eviction notice. That was on Monday July 3. Since then I may have seen him three times. And those times were fine, but I feel really bad about the whole thing.

First time I saw him was Friday evening. We had the hottest guests, oh boy these people . . . should be running for office. Bemmy got home and just charmed the pants, well no, that would be wishful thinking. Let's just say we had a great time.

He mentioned to them that he had lost 90 lbs though. 90lbs! Rolf and I were shocked, we thought he had lost 70, and that is a lot, but 90 sounds so much bigger. I just can't do it though. I can't be a part of his day to day stuff. I'm bad at it. We really do think we've been taken advantage of, and it really doesn't feel healthy anymore so we have to stick to our guns.

We saw him a couple of more times - he spent the afternoon with us on Saturday when we went with a group to see Superman with a group. (OH WE SAW IT ON AN IMAX SCREEN AT THE UDVAR-HAZY- NATIONAL AIR AND SPACE MUSEUM - WHICH WAS SO COOL IN ITSELF!)

but, no need to go on about it, we just feel bad and also we feel pretty sure that he'll never be the friend he once was. We haven't actually talked about it at all. But we hear from others that he's let it be known that he'd like help finding a new place.

On another note, Rolf has canceled his vacation to go to a family reunion at the beach, because he is in proposal hell at work. He says if he doesn't win this contract for the company, then they'll pass on bidding for the work - and he really wants to win it and then manage the project. I hate it when he works this hard. He's been putting in 20 hour days. He came to bed at 3:30 last night, and was up at 8:30 for a 9:30 meeting. It sounds like he plans on working this type of schedule until August!

I'm really feeling lonely too! I guess that's more of a projection, since I've been socializing every evening, but. . its my house and there's nobody to talk to, except d'Ohgy. And I'm mad at her because she chewed on a dresser. It was a yard sale rescue, the dresser, so it's not that she damaged something valuable, but it is so unlike her. It is worrying.

At the same time that Rolf is so busy - we're in the process of buying that house in Richmond. But he doesn't have a loan yet, and we're doing it all in his name because because because. Because. I need to get the loan for him. I don't know what's going to happen.

Kay and Clark had a wonderful honeymoon. Clark marked another item of his life goal list. One was getting married of course. The other? He went skydiving.

Skydiving. On purpose! Of course it was a tandem sky-dive, but I can't even imagine the logistics of it. I mean, come-on, I've had to pick him up off the bathroom floor when his aide dropped him after his bath. (And he was naked too . . .I wish I hadn't seen that.) When I was picking him up that time, as well as a time when I put him into my car, it is lifting dead-weight with limbs. Wow. And he went sky-diving. That is so great.

Well, I've got three nights of Theatre starting tonight. I'm worried about Rolf getting away from work, but we're going tonight to see Caroline, or Change at the Studio Theatre. My sister is coming too. And Tomorrow I am going with my friend Sonny to see Psycho Beach Party at the Playbill Theatre. Then finally on Saturday I'm going with my Mrs. Walker from Tommy to see The Last Five Years at the Foundry Theatre. Hottie Uncle Ernie from Tommy is staring in that. I'm embarrassed that I'm so fat.

Rolf and I had three or four really great weeks. These next few weeks may be tough. I'm a little scared.

I wish I had some pot.

Friday, July 07, 2006

That Wedding Day

I love Rolf. We resort to near violence and torture sometimes. . . but I love him. A couple of months ago I treated him like absolute trash because he kept getting his hair cut in a way that I hated. I tried for a year to get him to stop having it cut so short. It made him look fat and old. So one Saturday morning:

Me: “What are you doing today?”
He: “Well, I have to leave to get my haircut at. . .”
Me: “FUCK YOU – JUST FUCK YOU – AND YOUR FUCKING UGLY HAIR – YOU PISS ME OFF”

Boy oh boy did *that* cause some problems. I am so embarrassed and ashamed. Except . . .

So now, I love his hair. He looks so much younger and thinner just because it’s not practically shaved on top. He hates it. Maybe he doesn’t. But the first time I noticed and said how handsome he was and that his hair even looked good he said:

“Oh yeah, well fuck you”.

And yet, he’s really cute … And generally a good guy. Life ain’t easy, we’re trying the best we can to make it easier for each other; it’s just sometimes . . . we’re not so good at it.

He got to Kay’s wedding a few weeks ago, about an hour early as I was finishing up the wedding cake. He looked so good. I was still wearing shorts, sandals, and a t-shirt; he was in his wedding-wear, and carrying my clothes too. I was so proud of the way the cake had turned out and so happy to see him. And we had this look of love between us, right then, that smile of his, nice hair cut –his blue eyes - just sparkling. How can we love each other that intensely and still get it so wrong? Oh, well – it’s being there in the end that counts.

I was so excited to show him the wedding cake. No one was going to believe that we made it so fast! The original had fallen over. Overnight I made multiple layer cakes and brought them to the church after stopping by a cake decorating store where I picked up white roses, lavender violets, and pale green leaves that were all made out of icing. Kay had made a centerpiece for the cake, out of modeling clay, of a groom in a wheel chair, with the bride in his lap. Clark’s step-sister, Cindy, and step-mother, Billie, helped me get it assembled and iced. I did a good bit of icing the cake, but Cindy did all the piping and she was really fast. Then she went off to put together a chocolate fountain (Oh My God! Good!) and I assembled and decorated the cake with all the flowers.

It turned out so good. Not only was I so proud, but so was Rolf. He’d had a part in this rescue too; so we were both so happy as hurried to the sanctuary, finding we were among the first ten people to arrive. It’s the First Baptist Church of Washington, by the way, (near Dupont.) Presidents Clinton and Carter worshiped there. Although it is Baptist, it looks like an Episcopalian Cathedral. Stained glass windows, lots of cobalt, big stone work, intricate wood work, kinda makes you feel that this is a place God would like very much. And it seems to be a liberal Baptist church, and now that I’ve sung there, I want to go back

So, we’re sitting there, Rolf and I, so thankful for the air conditioning . . . we’re just enjoying the space, and I’m really enjoying Rolf, I just cannot tell you how cute he looked. Only now, I have to watch what I say because of the whole hair incident. I can’t say: you look so nice, and your hair looks so good. . . because well, I can’t mention the hair. So, like a couple of school girls, I’m smiling at him, thinking dirty thoughts, and he says: “What?” and I say “Nothing, cutie . . .”

As the church started to fill, and get loud, the organist played beautiful preludes, followed by two trumpeters who played several numbers that Kay arranged. But behind me, all I heard was:

“Pick a little, talk a little, pick a little, talk a little
Cheep cheep cheep, talk a lot, pick a little more”

Only, I swear, they were complaining that Cirque du Soleil costumes looked like they were designed by Dr. Seuss. They were four women, adapting two pews to look like a coffee klatch.

I turned around and gently put my hand on a knee draped in a beautiful white satin cocktail dress. As she looked over, the others' gazes followed. I smiled and said “Isn’t this lovely music?” And this big Suzanne Sugerbaker woman was SO HAPPY I wanted to join their conversation that she practically shouted “Why yes it . . .” before she realized I was telling her to shut the hell up.

And there was peace. Ah. Rolf took my hand and winked at me. “Cheep cheep cheep, talk a lot, pick a little more” Oy, my head. But they quieted down, and the music was lovely. Gorgeous.

I wondered what people thought when Clark escorted his mother to her seat. How many didn’t even know that he was handicapped, much less trapped in a gnarled body. There was no escaping his smile though. To some that would be the only proof that there was a beautiful person there.

“Come to me, bend to me, kiss me good day!” sang the tenor, entering from the side and walking through the sanctuary as he sang a gorgeous ballad from Brigadoon. He was very uncomfortable, but good. After the groom and groomsmen entered, the soprano entered from down right and sang the Alyson Kraus song “When You Say Nothin’ at All”. Only Clark, who is on the podium in his wheelchair – can’t say anything, or not much. The singer is an actress who Kay has directed to play this as a scene from a musical, not a wedding. She sings as a love struck young woman, often directly to Clark: “You say it best, when you say nothing at all . . .” When it was over, she giggled and skipped down the isle and out of the church. Talk about laughter through tears, my lord!

I had started crying 20 minutes before the service started. Rolf cried too. You see, I don’t understand this marriage. Even though she’ll be 59 this September, and has never had a boyfriend, it’s hard for me to see her with him.

Knowing Clark a bit now, he is the one that I am most happy for. The loneliness of cerebral palsy, is devastating. He is so lucky to have found her. His life is going to be so much better now. And, he loves her, and that’s all she has ever wanted. She had never had a man tell her that he loved her. I don't know how she saw through the bars of his prison, to find she loved the brilliant man wrongly imprisoned. So, I don't understand this marraige, but I am very happy for them. So: I was crying . . . a lot.

And when Kay entered on old George's arm, she was the happiest bride I've ever seen. There were some prescriptions involved, so she looked a little like a plastered Barbie doll, being kept from floating like a Thanksgiving Day Balloon by George's strong hand. She's a crier, you see. Big time, happy, sad, angry and mad; she cries. So she had her doctor give her a prescription that would keep her from crying all day - and it made her look just a little plastic. Like a doll with a huge, but painted on smile. Or a bride having an out of body experience, watching from the rafters as she walked down the isle.

The bride's processional was from The Sound of Music, played by the trumpeters and organ, except as she reached the podium - there was just the briefest tag of "If I Were a Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof. Ask me why. Well, I'll gladly tell you: This is the wedding of Clark Richmond to Kay Newton, who wanted to be Kay Richmond when she planned the wedding. So, the wedding had a sub-title. Can you guess? The sub-title was "If I Were a Richmond". "Daidle deedle daidle Daidle daidle deedle daidle dum." Ta da.

Other quirks: There were 7 attendants, one of whom was not only male - but a red-headed 7'6" tall male at that. The singers sang Shania Twain / Bryan White duet, "From This Moment" with an added tag that made me gaffaw. I hope I wasn't the only one. At the end of the song, after singing "As long as I live, I will love you, From this moment on" came "I GOT YOU BABE." Only it didn't sound like Sonny and Cher, but it was funny.

Kay looked over her shoulder, plastic happy face unchanging to share the laugh, but her face was just stuck. Almost like she'd been overbotoxed. That's just one impression I had, another was just of happiness and peace.

The most emotional moment of the wedding was the exchanging of vows. Clark went first. He has a computer that will speak for him, even that can take a long time. But they decided that he was going to speak his vows, which took even longer. It's is as if the instructions to his mouth to speak, accidenlty involve many other muscle groups. As he struggles to say his vows, it's almost as if he is, simultaneously, choking to death.

"Ieeee. AAAaarrrk. AAaake. Theeeee. AAyy. ooooo. eeee. MAHyee. LLLaaa aw Ffullee. EEEdded. WAHife."

It was tortrously long. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. Thankfully, I had broght a stack of paper towels with me.

I have got to finish this. . .

Rolf and I, slipped out the back door just after Clark and Kay passed our row as they recessed, in order that we might get the wedding cake out of the cooler and moved to the table. It was an 8 layer two tiered cake. Only a tiny bit of piped icing had fallen off, so I quickly fixed that before we dis-assembled the tiers, and painstakingly carried the two pieces to the other side of the reception hall, and reassembled it on the table without dropping it.

It looked so good. It tasted even better, especially after I moved a whole bunch of slices to the chocolate fountain table. Yum!

Near the end of the reception, I was standing over at the chocolate fountain, acting as a chocolate covered wedding cake pimp, and just laughing so much - because it is a mess, and so decadent, when the Suzanne Sugerbaker woman comes up to me.

She says "You know I promised myself that was going to come and talk to you" she says with a big smile. "After you said 'Isn't this lovely music,' my friend said 'I think he would like us to be quiet.' And I thought to myself 'Why that is the nicest way anyone has ever asked me to be quiet' and I decided right then I would come and tell you so."

And she just smiled and waited. . . and stared . . . I said

"It was lovely music, and I was just sitting there thinking about every thing you and your friends were saying about Cirque du Soleil costumes looking like Dr. Seuss, and I thought 'Gee, I should direct Seussical and dress them all as Cirque du Soleil accrobats." And we just stared at each other, her still with a huge frozen smile, until I just turned and walked away.

It was getting to be a long day, so after I'd packed up the top of the cake, and helped with way to much, including getting all the gifts loaded into the van - someone mentioned that some people had left gifts in the vestibule of the church; I ran to make sure it was all clear. The back way to the sanctuary led to the same door the tenor had entered.

And, except for the brilliant blues and other gem colors streaming in through the stained glass, it was dark. I walked to the center isle, and feeling like I was having the priviledge of singing for ten thousand people, I sang "A Simple Song" from Lenard Bernstein's Mass. And as my voice echoed off the stone, magnified by the cathedral ceiling; I thought "It doesn't get much better than this."

View Kay and Clarks' wedding pictures here.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

It's Hot and It's Monotonous.

July 4, 2006 12:55PM

It's hot. I'm in the sun-room watching a white breasted nuthatch bounce up our red oak. Rolf is muttering over the computer in the office behind me. The air conditioner is wheezing and coughing, and there is a surreal sense that the leaves in the forest are being blown by the same fan that is blowing on me. I hope the iced vanilla vodka and espresso will help me over look the mess in here.

Bemmy is not here. He was not home yesterday when I got home from work; but Rolf was (looking tanned and handsome.)

We discussed our dilemma with BME. Although the thought of speaking to BME made me nauseous and panicked, I told Rolf that things have got to change. BME can live his life any way he wants too, but not necessarily here.

How can I tell him that he can't live here: defrauding unemployment, spending 15 hours a day searching for ways to fulfill his addiction to porn. Just as it was 17 years ago when he was living in our dining room, sleeping on a couch, and I was searching his belongings to count the empty liquor bottles, now I look to see what he's eating.

He's been sober for 15 years, and he's gained 200 lbs in those years. He's diabetic, has developed a heart problem, and he's become our roommate.

We never wanted a roommate. We love him, and he is a lot of fun, but we didn't mean to offer him to be our roommate. We offered a "platform from which he could become healthy and successful."

As Rolf and I became more impassioned about: Our disappointment, disgust, anger at being used, fear that he is killing himself with food and inactivity. . .

We decided to leave the note for him telling him to move by August 31. I got it out of my dresser, and took it to the basement and laid it on his computer keyboard. . and then ran.

Then we hid at the movies for 5 hours. He seemed to be in bed when we got home, and he was gone this morning.

I'm glad we've done it; it was killing him to live here.

Monday, July 03, 2006

When You Walk Through a Storm

Friday: Act I - Scene One

“Dear Bemmy,” I’d written again and again in letters composed, and tossed, all day. The final note was five sentences long, and it said that he should move by August 31. I was in a panic all afternoon, feeling that a heart attack was imminent.

I had the note printed on beautiful stock and in an envelope when I got home. It said:

June 30, 2006

Dear Bemmy,

We love you so much that it is tremendously difficult to tell you that we really feel we need to have more alone time. We hope that you can understand. Our sincere hope is that it will be best for all of us. It is with the deepest anguish that we have decided to ask that you check out of Chez Ravenel by August 31.

Rolf & Vig

Now, Monday morning, it is in my underwear drawer.

I should have walked right in the door Friday and handed it to him, but I was a coward. I snuck in the house, tip-toeing until settled with a near-beer in a lawn chair behind a tree in the back yard.

Rolf misunderstood the desperate hug I gave him when he got home. Unfortunately, as soon as he’d changed clothes and joined me in the sun-room, Bemmy entered in the other door bearing boxes and announcing that he had “Little Gift-ies”.

“Wait, wait” I wanted to shout. “Don’t give us anything, because you’ve got to get out.” But I didn’t. Rolf had his diplomatic “Oh, isn’t this nice” face on, which disguises great levels of vitriol.

Let’s see, Bemmy gave me the vocal score to The Light in the Piazza, a cinnabar bud vase and stand – which had the $45 price sticker on it, even though I said it didn’t. There was also a stained glass sun catcher, and a drag-queen white-trash cookbook that I said I wasn’t interested in before I left the room. There was more in the box.

To Rolf he gave a Buddha, a “grow-your-own-bonsai kit”, and hmm. . I don’t know what else.

So – how then do you say “Get-out?”

Scene 2

“That must have gone well,” Rolf said as we were walking down the hill toward the back-gate.

I looked at him sideways, and took a deep draft from my extra-tall vodka and tonic, in a disposable plastic cup.

“I didn’t tell him anything!” I said.

“What was that hug for then?”

“I thought I was going to have a heart-attack waiting for you to get home so we could tell him together!”

He groaned and tried to laugh, when from the bridge, we were horrified to see the damage caused by last weekends flooding storms. The lake is being dredged, but there was so much silt deposited from the rains that it looks like the dredging barge has run aground. Lake Accotink really is beginning to look like “our little mud-puddle.”

Friends and neighbors who were also heading to the sunset concert joined us on the bridge, and we all stared at the infill in disbelief.

Scene 3

We sat on a park bench at the marina. The National Concert Band played John Phillip Sousa marches, Viennese waltzes, selections from Carousel, closing with “America the Beautiful,” Armed Forces Medley, “Stars and Stripes Forever,” and “This Is My Country,” from the pavilion up on the hill. We talked, held hands, laughed, sang, and cried, while we watched the sunset. Yes, I cried - I cry when things are perfect, and sitting holding hands with in public with Rolf is a big enough deal, but add in trying to sing "You'll Never Walk Alone" to the accompaniment of a beautiful orchestra, and it is all I can do just to breathe.

We’re buying another house. When we bought this house, we promised that we would fix it up, but we can’t afford it. So, we’re buying a house in Richmond Virginia that we are going to renovate and sell. My dear friend, 2Rolf2, who lived across the street from me from kindergarten until sixth grade, lives next door to the property we’re going to flip. He is going to do the onsite management of the project, and we’re going to split the profit. If this works, with our share we’re getting new windows for our house.

Oh, yes, by the way, his name is the same as Rolf’s. So, I will refer to him here as Towmy, as in The Other White Meat with a “y”, because I still call him Rolfy as I have since I was 6, and he always growls “My Name’s ROLF” when I introduce him to my other friends. So, I always call him Rolfy because it’s fun!

Well, anyway, if the house flip doesn’t work out a 100%, we could have an extra mortgage to pay for. And money’s already too tight. So, we decided not to kick Bemmy out. But, I am not going to let him fall back into the pattern he’s been in for the last six years. And I’m going to do it tonight.

When you walk through a storm
Keep your chin up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At he end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never walk alone.

- Carousel

Oh; help.