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Originally uploaded by deboeuf.

Good Morning.

Well, It's 40 degrees today. I've really enjoyed having the view of a snow covered lake out of my windows this last few days. But, it's time is near an end. And even more so, if this warmer than average winter causes the trees to leaf out early, I may be less than two months away from not having a lake view at all. Then the view will be a sea of forest green, with half naked joggers swimming through my back yard. That's not so bad.

________

We took my folks out to dinner on Saturday night. After the year of chemotherapy for my Mom, which stopped in October, I really haven't been visiting much. It was obvious that I should be there more. Dad has a neurological issue that's causing him to loose his mobility. He falls, and now it's move often. Add in the ice and snow, which he was trying to shovel himself, and he had two falls in just a few days. It turns out that my niece and nephew, who live in an apartment in their basement, did nothing to help.

My sister (Joy) and her new husband (I don't know him) met us back at Mom & Dad's, so we could give her the birthday present we bought. I didn't want to be there. Anyway . . .

Mom and Dad gave Rolf a birthday card that called him "Son-in-law" which caught me so off guard that I got choked up and lost my breath.

It's a Beautiful Day

It's a beautiful morning. I can't help but being amazed when I walk into the sun room and look out on the snow covered hill and the ice covered lake, and know that I live here! You'd think I would never plan on leaving, but, this is Virginia, and I'll have to get out one day. Maybe we can turn this into a serious money maker that will make us feel better about leaving for a wonderful retirement in 10 years rather than 20. That would make up for a lot wouldn't it? (f. off to the hate state.)

I was so scared last night. Before I got home from work, Puck came over here to the house. And I don't want her to know about my blog! When I got home she and Rolf were looking at something on my new-to-me lap top that I had left on the ottoman. Oh my lord, if she just looked at my internet history and found out about “Side note; yes”, oh there would be drama. Yes, I've said that she and Memae's return to Washington DC is the best thing that happened last year, but I do put my private and unedited thoughts down here, using internet nom-de-plumes for everyone, but I'm not necessarily nice! Ha! This is where I express my evil side – just ask Rolf! I know I've said things about Puck's pushiness and more, and I don't want her to read it!

So, I don't know if she found out about my blog. I'd rather keep the whining and debauchery from view; but it's so much fun to put them here. It's going to bite me in the ass one day. And I think it's going to be soon.

I never expected any sort of success with Mockingbird. I was hoping for a quick and merciful death at the hands of the reviewers but, at the same time, I sort of hoped someone would like it enough to give me encouragement. Public encouragement. I hoped for a little, as I said, but I got rather a whole lot, and in some ways this was just about as frightening as the quick, merciful death I'd expected.

– Harper Lee, quoted in Newquist—1964

That's Mr. Faggot to you (if that's ok.)

11:15 AM holding a folder, wearing my favorite winter overcoat, walking through the garage on my way to pay my parking bill. Approaching the ticket booth on my right, I see a man over to my left and I look back to see who it is.

"Hey, white boy" he says.

Thinking that he may be one of the Arabic men that works the garage, and that he might be headed to the office and might take my check . . . and not sure what to think about "Hey White Boy", I look back again. But a glimpse of sunshine has hampered my shadow vision, I can't see for sure that it's a black man walking purposefully, but in and out of shadows.

"Just keep walking faggoty assed white boy" he says as he passes, smelling of cigarettes, wearing a backpack.

Actually smiling, during the instant of time we almost walk next to one another I say: "Why are you being so rude?"

"Cause I ain't no faggoty assed faggot," he said as he walks out of the garage.

And me? I'm thinking, at least he didn't call me a faggoty assed old man.

My Funny Valentine

I didn't make it back to bed to snuggle with Rolf before he got up. (We got snuggling, laughs, hugs, and kisses in later.) It was a really nice day. I love being at home! I didn't get my whole list of projects done, but who cares. Rolf worked from home, while I worked on my computer and putzed around in my long johns and UVA sweatshirt. A load of laundry here, a load of dishes there, nap . . . lots of sitting around the sun room gazing out into space.

We shoveled the steps and cleaned up the cars, and managed to get in a short walk by the lake at sunset. The crunchy ice packed snow was rough, so we ended up sitting on the ground and watching the sunset. It was beautiful and fun, but poor d'Ohgy doesn't like standing around, especially on the ice.

We went back up the trail toward home where I remembered that I wanted to go sledding. I pulled the saucer out from under the sun room. Rolf was trying to tamp out a path for me, and I, sitting on the saucer, kept sliding into him nearly knocking him down. After a couple of passes down the hill, getting faster each time, and running into the construction fence too, I put the sled away. We stood out on the deck in our hats and gloves and continued to watch the sun set as we laughed and talked.

Thank God there are moments like that.

Later on, we fell out of the bed. And between panted breaths; laughed.

For dinner I made a deep dish polenta pizza that was just wonderful. It was a triple threat dish - cheap, easy, delicious! I didn't know polenta was just corn meal and water, cooked like popovers only no eggs. Once the polenta was done, I formed it into the shape of a deep dish pizza in a cast iron pan, and topped it with sauteed onions, zucchini, red peppers, and diced tomatoes from a can that I drained first. Then I put a few table spoons of regular plain old cottage cheese, that I had set in a sieve while I made the polenta so it had drained, and then I covered the dish with shredded Parmesan cheese; then threw it in the oven at 400 for 25 minutes.

It's the kind of nothing-really-happened day, that you always want to remember.

Vig.

Winter Wonderland

good morning. it's 5am. I've been up for an hour watching the weather reports and listening to the sleet hit the roof. I'm in the sun room wrapped in my down coat, long johns, fuzzy slippers . . that look like the shadow made by bunny ears against the white sleet that's gathering out on the deck. most everything is in shadow inside, and although the sun is not up, i can see white all the way to the other shore. i hate the geese, but i feel sorry for them today. the loudest noises are the sounds of the sleet, and then i can faintly hear the honking of the geese. poor things. somebody should just shoot them. yum.

Rolf is asleep. I'm going to wait for the sun to rise, then I'm going back to bed myself. I'm so excited! it's a snow day! i am going to find the financial information for Richmond today, and figure out where we've spent the advance money, and prepare some financial statements and forecasting. and I'm going to make chicken stock, make a payment for the beach house, organize the pantry, and fold laundry. Rolf will work from home i may not get out of my pajamas. yay! (unless I go sledding!) and I'm going to download some software too!

_________

Well, it's 6am now. I've downloaded the software for my new compter – free ware called open office. I don't know how to use it yet, so forgive please the lack of punctuation above. The sun does not look like it's going to come out today. So I'm going to call the office and tell them to F off, then I'm going to go snuggle with Rolf. I'll be back later.

All the best,

Vig

Is that all there is?

We got away to N. Wildwood Beach, NJ this weekend. Memae drove, Rolf sat shotgun, Puck and I in the back seat with the luggage, so that d'Ohgy could stretch out in the back of their jeep for the four hour ride on Friday night. Saturday morning we had bagels in our pajamas as we sat by the fire (gas) and read magazines, did crossword puzzles, and talked. Before lunch Puck, Rolf and I took d'Ohgy for a walk to the beach and looked for sand dollars. It was very cold, so cold that there were frozen bubbles of sea foam covering large swaths of beach.

Back at the house, we warmed up by the fireside and struggled with the quandary of what to do. Even if we did go out and had a great time, we still had to get out of our pajamas (which we still had on under our clothes), and leave the fireside. In the end, we decided to go to Atlantic City for lunch and slots.

We've never been to Atlantic City before. The first casino was Caesar's, which I thought had replicas of the horses from St. Marks Square pulling Caesar in a chariot. Inside, all the statuary made me recall and revel in the memory of our trip to Italy. (That happens all the time; and I love it!)

We settled in at some slot machines, first playing quarter slots and enjoying the occasional free wee drink. Rolf was so funny. He's get so close to winning a jack pot, that we'd all stop to watch the wheel's spin and when he lost he'd look up and spit "Devil!" I don't know why, but it was really funny. Of course every time he won, he'd giggle and clap and say "Oh, I love this, I'm going to quit my job!"

Alas, we could have bought a new vase with our winnings if we had stopped when we were ahead. He was ahead three hundred dollars one time. And after he lost that, I was ahead one hundred dollars another time. But all in all, it was a fun day and we didn't lose too much. They did make money off of us, that's for sure!

We picked up dinner at the grocery store. It was very good - the fresh tortellini with chicken and herbs, Ragu Organic Marinara (which I picked because it had a little less sugar than others - I don't like sweet pasta sauces,) spring salad mix, and a lite Italian dressing with Romano cheese, Pepperidge Farms Rosemary Olive Oil Artisan Breads, and baklava for dessert; all from packages, quick easy and delicious.

After dinner, back in our pajamas and sitting fireside, we drank a bottle of Peppoli Chianti ($22 at Trader Joe's for special guests), and played Mindtrap and Yahtzee.

Sunday morning we spent more time lazing about, reading papers, and doing crosswords. I walked d'Ohgy to the shoreline and back, before we packed up, straightened up, and headed home driving into the blinding sunshine and for which we were rewarded with a magnificent sunset over the Delaware River.

We were home for dinner and I made Rolf a salad of cannellini beans toasted in olive oil, avacodo, and shrimp, on a bed of baby spinach, dressed with a lime, olive oil, and salt. It was delicious.

All the best,
Vig

I know what you must be saying to yourselves.
If that's the way she feels about it, why doesn't she just end it all?
Oh, no, not me.
I'm not ready for that final disappointment.
'Cause I know, just as well as I'm standing here talking to you,
That when that final moment comes and I'm breathing my last breath,
I'll be saying to myself…
Is that all there is?

Then let's keep dancing.

Chapter 44

It’s a quiet and cold morning at my office. It’s the day after the Super Bowl, and I had an 8:30 meeting. (It was easy.) I’m wearing a beautiful wool turtleneck that I bought for Rolf many years ago, so I’m cozily warm; even though I’d rather be wrapped in down, drinking hot chocolate on the couch in our sun-room.

Well, I’m “two-score and four” now. Two score and four. I had a birthday card from a 92 year old bachelor acquaintance that said “My calendar shows that you are approaching your two score and four birthday . . . ” So, I’ve been saying I’m "two score and four" everywhere I’ve been for the last week. Actually, thankfully, it was a quiet week – except that:

• my sister got married,
  
• I had a meeting to discuss the props for You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown,
• and I took last Monday off as a pajama birthday holiday,
• and Puck came over for dinner too,
• Rolf and I saw The Queen at the movies,
• and got rug burns and discovered how sticky vanilla syrup can be as we lay fireside.

It felt quiet because I had been having an extravagance of theatre. In January alone, I saw: Emily Skinner in concert, Into the Woods preview, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf? With Kathleen Turner and Bill Irwin, The Magic Flute (Live from the Met), Footloose, Noises Off! (with my entire family), Macbeth (an avant-garde dance macabre production that was among the wildest and most wonderful things I’ve ever seen,) and then I saw Into the Woods again on my two score and four birthday. Plus three parties and a day spent demolishing the kitchen and bathroom of the Richmond project . . .

It has been wild!

_________

So, as I look at this as the beginning of Chapter 44 of my life – I thought I’d recap:

Mama is doing fine. The doctors finally admitted that the Chemotherapy wasn’t having much effect, although they said that it did shrink the tumor on her spine, it wasn’t useful in treating the tumors on her liver. So they say the tumor on her spine is “contained”, and the lesions on her liver are so slow growing that there isn’t a need for further treatment right now. The type of cancer is Cardinoid, and it is called “The Slow Cancer”, so that is good, but we just have to wait and see. It is so wonderful not to have her be sick from the chemotherapy. Oh, the stress and anguish that caused. It was awful.

Daddy is getting some medical care now. He’s 76, and wobbly. He’s stubborn about going to the doctors, but he had to go in and have a check up with his heart specialist during which he fell down. He was getting off the examination table, trying to put his shirt back on while talking to the doctor when he stumbled and fell. The doctor was alarmed and asked how long this had been going on; and when Daddy told him it had been going on for a couple of years the doctor started yelling at him about being irresponsible, and had his nurse come in and set Daddy up with the specialists he needs to get help.

My sister, Joy, did get married last week. I had met her fiancee twice. I wish the women in my family would pick attractive men with college degrees, so I’d have something nice to look at and someone interesting to talk to. But it is not to be. Her son, Russ, is also getting married (in March) She had intended to wait until after that to get married. They’d even planned and paid for their honeymoon in May. But, over last weekend she decided that she just wanted to be married, and that was that. So at 5:15 last Thursday, she, dressed in a red dress, and he, in an ill-fitted suit, with both family’s standing as groomsmen and bridesmaids (except for one of his sons and Rolf,) in the cavernous cold sanctuary; they were married in a quick ten-minute no-music no-flowers ceremony. It was awkward and anticlimactic, but he did vow to honor her above all others, and she is so very happy.

Shannon and BC, my niece and her husband. Well, rumor has it, that she hopes to get pregnant this summer. When my sister told me that Shannon was planning on starting a family this summer, I responded with mock horror “With Who!” And she hit me.

Oh well. They live in an apartment in my folks’ basement. It’s pretty nice. I must say, that I was embarrassed at the number of Christmas presents she gave me this year, but delighted at how wonderful they were.

Russ and Officer Cupcake are getting married, and moving in together, but not in that order. They’re moving into an apartment together in a couple of weeks, but they’ll be trying to keep that a secret from her parents until the wedding. His dad, my former brother-in-law, is expected to be at the wedding in March with his new wife. And I am terrified that they’ll both be drunk and drugged out by the end of the evening.

My Friends

Puck and Memae have a new house in the Petworth area of DC. Puck is scaring me because she’s become obsessed with hating her job, and when she hates her job she quits. She’s got an enviable job history – it’s pages and pages long, but I still admire people who get out of hateful jobs, even if that means they end up unemployed more often than not, and have to work full-time into their 70’s, while I might have a chance at retiring at 55.

Tomas and Bemmy – Well, I don’t see much of them anymore.

I don’t know if Tomas got disability because of his eyesight and other health problems. And he may be disgusted by my drunkenness, which can be alarming at times. But I feel like he doesn't have much interest in me, and I don't know if that's just because he's on such hard times or what. He is on very hard times. I bringing my friend Lita up to date on the saga a couple of weeks ago, and I broke into tears in the telling.

And I hate to lose friends, but I think Bemmy has been a rotten friend to me and really taken great advantage of me over the years. Since it seems that he doesn’t want to be a part of my life, I think I’m just going to agree and make that permanent, because he really does disgust me. Did I tell you that he called a few weeks ago? Yes, from the side of the highway, while a policeman listened in, because his drivers license had been suspended back when his car was impounded for not paying his personal property taxes. And who does he call then? Me. I hadn't heard from him for weeks and weeks before, and I haven't heard from him since.

Me and Rolf

Well, we made it 25 years. I really can’t believe it. It is terribly difficult for Rolf to deal with my ongoing depression, which has been awfully bad for several years now. I am obsessed with how worthless and stupid I am, and often will wish I was dead hundreds of times in an hour. Yet even so, I am backing away from my anti-depressant as I think it is why I often feel so easily winded. So, I’ve been on it for over a year and a half, and it is just not working. Of course I am drinking the equivalent of a bottle and a half of wine each night – and that’s a depressant itself. But, I’m going to get off it and try something else.

My job just keeps going and going. I thought it was going to end last March, but first we lost the contract, then we sued and prevailed. . . then someone else sued and they prevailed. . . and so the whole contract is just going up for bid again. Well, maybe there's time for me to get this whole thing cleaned up before anybody looks too close. I really don't think I could survive an audit.

And, back to me and Rolf. . . we're fat. We're fat, and we're renting a beach house at Rehoboth with a whole bunch of skinny bitches.

And we're just a little scared.

The house is wonderful. d'Ohgy is adorable. We'll probably lose our shirts in this real estate deal in Richmond - but all in all - it's a good life.

All the best,
Vig