Laughter through tears

I had a secret. I told Rolf last night on the way home from his folks house.

Back on December 22, one of Mom's friends emailed me (because she was too chicken to call Mom) to find out how she was doing. I was at work, with my door closed that day, because I was a basketcase of worry. The secret was that I wrote her, Mrs. HappyFace, telling her:

". . . the future is not as bright as I'd hoped. It may be the worst case scenario. I've been told I shouldn't think that, much less say it but I don't know what else to say. Instead of 3 tumors, now there are 6. Two are on her spine, 4 are in her liver. The ones on her spine are beginning to hurt."

Well, that was about the last anyone heard from Mrs. HappyFace. I had gone on pleading with her to go visit, but she didn't do it. Until this Sunday, she hadn't even tried.

Oh, I was terrified that Mama would find out I'd been spreading doom and gloom, I even wrote Mrs. HappyFace back, a little later on that same day, and said:

"I'm an idiot. . I'm sure I shouldn't have said anything more than just to be in touch please. But now that it's done, I ask that you keep the details out of conversation please. If people start calling her with "Oh You Poor Poor Dear" sentiments, I think she'll be apoplectic."

Anyway, I was telling Rolf as we drove on the beltway, and he gave me the look, the "you are a bit crazy and have really poor judgment" look, to which I replied:

"Well, I was having a bad day. I had been sitting in my office with the door shut, fighting off tears because I was so scared. And that's when I got her email, and, well, . . . oops."

__________

Mama had an imaging test done last Wednesday to take a look at the tumors. She'd had six rounds for Chemotherapy, and she wasn't tolerating it very well any more. I didn't know when her appointment to get the results back on Friday was, when, again crying at my desk, I wrote my sister, saying:

I'm scared, Joy. I'm real scared. I'm afraid to call to find out what the doctor said. I don't even know when her appointment is or was.

Are you ok?

She replied:

Her appointment isn't until 3 . . She says she won't be back at home until after 5 . . . Dad says he just feels like she is going to be ok . . . I'm going to stay that way until things should turn. I'm fine . . . Think positive!!!!

_________

Well, I tried to think positive. But I was scared and tearful, and tired.

Joy called me as we were getting ready to leave for the Dixie Chicks concert. Quite sad. There are more tumors in her liver. However, the chemo does seem to have done some good to the tumors on her spine. The MRI showed that the bone marrow has regrown and is containing those.

Now, there're going to stop the chemo, Thank God, but they're going to start another treatment that's going to be worse. It's an attempt at restricting the growth of the tumors in her liver. In addition to the threat of losing her hair, which she managed to hold onto so far; this could cause her to have sores on her hands and feet and who knows what else. (But I can guess.)

Joy feels numb. I am disappointed.

Because this is not what I am hoping for, but it is what I expect.

I asked her how Daddy was, and she said "I think he is oblivious."

"Oh, no" I said, "He's not."

_________

Mama repeated all the news, in a joyous, relieved tone.

_________

Mrs. HappyFace didn't ask Mom to play for her voice student's recital this year. Mom's played for it for the last 20 years. Mrs. HappyFace is retiring and moving to Florida. She hasn't been to visit. I've begun to think that Mrs. HappyFace is a traitor. "Get a hold of yourself" I've wanted to shout at her, "this is not about you."

_________

"I've got a secret" I told Rolf. "Mrs. HappyFace wrote me and asked me if it was true that Mama had cancer again. And she wanted to know what the prognosis was, and I kinda told her that 'IT'S HORRIBLE! DESPERATE! SHE'S GONNA DIE!' So that freaked her out . . . Because she wrote me back, oh in February, and said she was afraid to ask me how Mom was doing, but she is more afriad of calling Mom, because well, she said she's a chicken. . . But, I'm so mad at her for not *being there*. . .

"Well, Joy said that she saw Daddy break down for the first time today. It was at church. Mrs. HappyFace was there. Joy said that her church job was over, so she wanted to come to First Baptist and see the new building. . .

"And finally see Mom?" I said

"I think she was hoping too. (Mom plays piano at another church now.) Any way, Mrs. HappyFace and her friend were talking to Daddy, and she asked how Mom was doing. . . and Daddy was telling her. . . and he just lost it. . . he was just sobbing. . ."

_________

I don't think we'll see Mrs. HappyFace again.