stuck in the muck

Pat's Funeral is tomorrow, it's in Portland, Maine. But, Kay's wedding rehearsal is tomorrow too. So, I'm not going to the funeral. One of Pat's jobs had been as the aide to the speaker of the house in Maine. I haven't heard back from Hildi. I'm sure there is a huge outpouring of support from everyone involved in politics there. I bet it's been overwhelming. I hope she'll is ok. I haven't even sent flowers yet. The details about the funeral were just posted yesterday. I don't really know what to do. I think that I read that there have been viewings already, and that they continue tonight.

I can't really ask Rolf, and not just because I can't get in touch with him, but also because we both lost our tempers with each other this week, on Tuesday, and we're not talking too much.

I hurt d'Ohgy by pulling on her collar; he turned into a lunatic. I tried to get him to calm down by explaining that I hadn't yanked on her collar, but that I was going to pull her where I wanted her to go because she was disobeying - and that I forgot that she had a sore spot on her neck - so it wasn't intentional, and it wasn't . . . . blah ljfsdkjlsdfd k whatever.

But I wasn't putting up with him screaming at me, nor would I let him pass by me from the kitchen because he was acting like I'd stabbed her with a butcher knife; and I may not have been screaming at him, yet, but I was blocking his way until he threw me aside, and I spun around and punched him somewhere on his torso screaming at him about his screaming at me . . . oh yeah. funtimes. I so totally lost it that I wanted to punch him, I didn't recover my senses until my wrist started to hurt from when I had hit him wherever it was that I made contact, probably on his arm or back. Still, I kicked him when he walked away.

And then I went to bed. I have a feeling he got back to work and continued until way past mid-night. So, we really hadn't talked yesterday. He was still working at 10 when I got home from my guest chef duty for the bride and groom. And I don't know if I mentioned, I guess I did, but I don't remember what I said about the funeral. We haven't made any plans to send flowers. There's a college fund for the kids . . but I 'm just stuck.

Stuck in a combination of shame and mourning. I one fucked up person. We're talking a little bit; if he calls me before his status meeting, I'll talk it over with him.

I'm getting off work early to take d'Ohgy to the vet. I'm days behind on the financial statements and invoicing at work. I finally sent out checks last week, but in the mean-time, all the vendors are calling asking for money. I didn't really send them out last week. I wrote them last week, they went out on Tuesday.

But, similar to last weekend, which I said was really great, except for the tears; I've had some good times this week with Kay and Clark. I'm getting happier and happier about this marriage. It is odd though, because my quirky friend Kay, who is 58, is marrying 47 year old Clark, who is (basically) a paraplegic due to cerebral palsy. It is tremendously difficult to communicate with him. But, he's got a sharp mind trapped in that body. These are two people who have known a lifetime of loneliness. He's lucky to have found her.

Oh her wedding! Did I say quirky!

Honestly, she has really really fantasized that after they are introduced as man and wife, she would get on a skate board, and ski out of the sanctuary being pulled by his wheelchair.

I'm just sayin - I am so blogging this wedding!