Hi ~ It's Tech Week for Tommy. My partner Rolf is away on vacation. He left on Saturday for the beach with his folks. I wish I was there, they are great people. But, I don't get enough leave anyway, so I'm glad I have the good excuse of being in Tech Week to explain to the family why I'm not there, again. Even after nearly 24 years together, we still cannot believe how we have been accepted into each of our families. It is wonderful.

I'm so glad that Rolf is away. Everyone needs a break now and then. But especially during Tech Week, when he typically accuses me of being a bitch because of the stress, and I typically respond that I'm a bitch because he didn't take the trash out. We have so many destructive patterns, we often wonder why we are still together. It is so hard. People often remark that they want to know the secret to such a long partnership, and I tell them, only half-joking, "Low Self-Esteem."

Isn't that awful? But what I really mean is that I love him. I love him with all my heart and I want our lives to be a beautiful and passionate partnership. And just because it isn't, doesn't mean that I'm going to stop trying. He is so wonderful. I just don't know why we can't get it right.

Of course right now he is bitter because I've been overcommitted with this show, and school. So we haven't had a lot of time together. And when we have, we've wasted more time being bitter toward each other than loving.

He's not coming to see Tommy on opening night. Since my opinion of the show is "It won't suck," he isn't pressed about it. He's mad that it isn't going to be an exceptional show like the last time I did it. He really became invested in that production. Also, I don't think he wants to be a part of that part of my life like he used to. His stated reason for not coming is that he'll be to tired from his drive back from vacation. I talked to him last night, and I told him that I'd probably see him on Sunday because by the time he got home Saturday, I'd be at the theater, and I wouldn't be home until after the opening night party. Then we talked about the possibility of him coming home on Sunday, which I agreed sounded like a good idea. Then he was pissed when I told him I'd be home by 6 on Sunday, because I have a matinee. But I promised him that I have Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday nights off. To which he responded "Well, I'll probably have something else to do." See? Patterns. Predictible and ugly.

In fact, it's not always like this. He can be so charming, and sexy. We have such good times together, and really can't believe what a beautiful life we have built. Our friends and families, and our home, we really treasure. I hate it when I'm having a good time, and he isn't there. I love holding his hand, and hearing his laugh, seeing his smile. And when we can sidestep our negative patterns, the sex is great.

I had so much else to say, about my first Keg Dive, about tech week, but I ended up saying something I didn't know I was going to say. So those stories will have to wait.

Take care,
Vig