"What keeps you together?"

From the comments:

farmboyz said...
Our twenty-fourth anniversary is coming up in a few months. We would never even think of treating each other like that. What keeps you together?
8:37 PM

I read the above comment before bed last night. It's upsetting: so much said in so few words. But there is a very real question there: "What keeps you together?" Why not quit? Or maybe, why not be happy with what you've got. That's what my sister keeps saying: "Be Happy You've Got Someone!" Little does she know.

I'll tell you the truth. What keeps us together? Well, I can only speak for myself, although I do imagine that Rolf would agree with me: I love him. And when I don't (because everything has its season,) then it's just will power and commitment, and a little bit of denial.

We've had some awful times when I didn't love him or, if I did, I didn't want to. One six month period, while he was in the midst of many life crises; my life was a battlefield. I was justified in wanting to leave him then. But, I had to see him through because I just couldn't kick him when he was down, even though he took every bit of frustration and anger out at me. I refused to decide to leave him until that period of hell ended for him. The little love I still had for him was enough to get me through very dark days. Then if it didn't end for me, after the holidays, I was willing to leave. It was the right choice. Once he made it through his professional problems, our life was great again.

And it stayed pretty great for a good long while. This crap we're slinging at each other now is nothing compared to that experience.

I learned then, as inappropriate as it is, that when he treats me so bad it's a clear symptom that something is wrong in his life. It doesn't necessarily have to do with me. Something is wrong now. I am very worried about him.

But I'm sick of it. Or just plain sick. I can't escape from my own case of depression if he stays like this and I stay with him. So I'm very scared.

I am sure, that with the right help, he will find happiness again. I'm terribly afraid that he won't get help. What if I have to keep my word and insist on a temporary separation? I feel like I'm caught in a current. . well I don't know where that analogy was going . . downstream. . lost without a paddle. . throw me a life line?

I really don't see us breaking up. This is certainly a low point. In the only way I see how, I'm trying to bring him up with me as I recover from my own depression.

Also, if we were to break up, and I hadn't done every imaginable thing to hold us together, then I would have failed. If we still break up after I've made miraculous attempts at getting fixed, then I can say that the partnership failed, not me. And since I love him, that's the least I can do.