Grace and Peace Unto You

Could I have been only 25 when my niece’s decline . . . when dear Michelle’s descent to death became rapid? For eight more long years, it was rapid.

Rolf and I were members of MCC at the time. (The Metropolitan Community Church, an escape for gay Christians.) Could I have been 25? Was I still a boy? I wanted to be a father, I remember. And Rolf wanted to be a father. That wasn’t allowed then. We were wrecked by grief for the children we would never know. And family, the family we would never have. Rolf wouldn’t have been out to his family yet, even though we’d been together for 7 years. We had so much fear that his family would bar him from their lives. . . Yes, I think I was 25.

Rolf was the church treasurer. I was one of the music ministers (to use a Baptist Term). When I told Reverend Gail that I couldn’t be associated with miserable, torturous lies that said if only I had the faith of a mustard seed, my niece would be healed; wearing a cleric’s collar, she sobbed. I had faith. But after Michelle was robbed of her mobility, and speech; now that she was blind, I declared that my faith had been in a God who did not exist.

For my 39^th birthday, 4 years ago (Saturday the 28th), I fasted and prayed. Did I really stay away from church for 14 years? I fasted and prayed, begging God to make me sober (and thin) by my 40^th birthday. I’d been smoking pot daily.

I promised to find a place to worship, even though any mention of virgin birth, supernatural healing, or literal resurrection made me boiling mad. Mom had cancer, I'd started my current hateful job; and I needed to be with God again. After many Presbyterian, Methodist, Lutheran, and Episcopal experiences, during which no one got hurt; I found the tiny Unity Church. Their doctrine of following the teaching of the bible, while believing none of it, was a saving grace. It was a place I could go to, hung over and unshaven if I was late. And I could pray and hear strengthening words of healing: “have a positive outlook, stop dwelling in depression, take control of your thought life, see the good.”

By that point I had stopped smoking pot and had started drinking heavily instead. Church helped, so did Weight Watchers. Between the prayer and the counting calories, I really did sober up and lost 45 pounds too.

Now, twenty pounds, a million drinks, and five miserable years on the job later. . .