Well - last Thursday was terrible. I posted about it over on Bailey's Blog. recap, she was stuck in a bike when I got home from work. I don't know how long she'd been there. Then she wandered out to the back gate, which was odd because she hadn't wanted to be outside for a couple of months. But it looked like she wanted to go out into the park, so I took her for a little halting walk. On the way back, just at the trail by my back gate, she started to throw up and my phone rang. Yep, she's there throwing up, and her neurologist calls for an update. It was so hard to hold it together to talk to her. She insisted that I take her off the doxycycline, so now she's on nothing. If I want to go ahead with the spinal tap, it would cost $600 (plus hospitalization fees . . .), but she doesn't really think that treating Bailey for GME would change the problem with her eating. I'm force feeding her, about 8 times a day. She's a pancreatitis girl, so I have to stick with normal or bland food. And she wants to be fed, I've been force feeding her since Saturday May 10.

Well, I just can't do it for much longer. The day after she was stuck in the bike, Friday, I ran downstairs after work to find that she was stuck behind a tv speaker. Now, I'd "Bailey-proofed" the basement the night before, looking for anywhere she could get her entire body stuck, and here I find her in the dead roach position, with just her head stuck behind the speaker. She wasn't in any duress - but she hadn't used the bathroom all day - so was she stuck all day?

Then, Sunday morning, I'm out (in my bathrobe and no shoes) in the back-yard with her. She wandered down to the back gate and stood there looking out for a few minutes; then wandered through the ivy into a thicket of brush and got stuck in a forsythia bush. DH woke to the sound of me calling her and trying to get her to come out; I didn't want to walk in there! There's snakes and poison ivy. But I had no choice. By the time I got her out, DH was all "So do you really think it's a good idea to let her wander back there???" . . . oh hi, and a nice good morning to you too. . .

We wake up every time she moves at night and take her outside. I woke once to find her trying to get behind the dresser, stuck behind the floor fan. And another time, just as I was opening the door to take her outside, she squatted and peed right there, practically on my feet.

It is so frustrating. This is not how I want her to spend her final days. Force feeding, being carried outside time and again, us trying to stay a step ahead of her outside, so she doesn't go into a thicket, under the deck, up the steps . . . it's maddening. When she's up, and especially outside, she's constantly trying to get into something unsafe. Who knew my backyard, and heck, even my basement, were such minefields of danger.

It has to stop. She has no quality to her life, and I can't keep her safe. She's gotten so thin, that she could fit through the rails on the deck. This morning, I thought she was going to jump.

I think this is how you know it's time. I'd been wondering. But now I know.